A slightly new direction

With all the craziness that IF and IVF has been for us, HJ and I have talked several times about the possibility of her being the one to get pregnant. She is definitely in favor of having a child however she has no real desire to carry a baby…. there’s a theme of not having anything inside that I just won’t elaborate upon! I on the other hand WANT to carry a baby, desperately want to be pregnant in fact. So we have discussed that I should be the one to have the child unless I simply cannot do so. In the past, I could not even think this way and refused to have the discussion. Then I could talk about it but was not ready to act in any way. Then I was okay with HJ having herself tested for fertility— wouldn’t you know it, she’s just fine! Now I have moved to a place where I am ready for her to attempt an IUI.

I still worry that I will react with jealousy to her experiencing all the joys of pregnancy when I have been unable to get to that place. I also worry that I will not by the rock of support for her that she consistently is for me. When I was pregnant, super-sleepy and a mass of mood swings, HJ was patient, NEVER pointing out that I was, in fact, evil and she even rubbed my feet and brought me special treats…. She’s such an incredible person. I, on the other hand, appear to be the emotionally stable and giving one in the relationship but I think she and I know the truth. She’s the real gem. 🙂 Hence, my concerns about her being the one to get pregnant…. how will I react?

Even beyond my jealousy though, my fear is stronger. Case in point, I saw a precious little newborn baby a few weeks ago. All my coworkers went to look at her and coo. I stayed across the room as though the baby were contagious. Babies make me weepy. When I am near them, the desire to be a mother is so strong that it chokes me at times. Then a few days later, I got my beta results…. big f’ing negative!!! Now the fear kicked into over-drive. I told HJ to call our friend the OBGYN. HJ is now taking Clomid for a couple of months to get her to really ovulate and will do an IUI in December. I think we’re both baffled on what to pray for here.

Of course, we’re still planning for me to attempt IVF again in January. But if she gets pregnant in the meantime, then I guess we will have to decide if I go through IVF in an attempt to get embryos to freeze. I could then be the back-up sibling provider….. before my eggs age anymore.

Reading all that I have written, I feel so incredibly selfish! Other couples would love to have a back-up choice for biological children. I know this is true but then again I have to be mindful to my own desire to give birth. sigh.


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One response to “A slightly new direction

  1. Danielle

    I’m so glad that you shared this topic as I personally was curious what happens when you get into a situation as yours. It’s easy for someone in my shoes to say if option A doesn’t work and you have in fact another option A, then heck – why not? But I know… tisk, tisk. That’s a dumbass way of thinking about it.Then I got to thinking what if in your situation, you have the trouble, but she has the uterus. It’s hard enough to refrain from jealous thoughts when we’re dealing with friends, best friends, co-workers, strangers, siblings and cousins… HOW on earth do you deal with that when it’s your lover, your mate, your other half?And I guess you deal with it as best as anyone could. You face it head on and you decide… is it worth it? Is it a risk I’m willing to take?I think should she get pregnant before you that you will find yourself pleasantly surprised at how happy you will be. There will most likely be moments in silence when you will wish for you, but those moments will quickly become few and far between as you embrace the incredible thought of knowing that your child may not have come from your belly, but it grew from your heart long before that.Remember, our job as Mother’s is not to say how they will get here. It’s to provide them with the opportunity…. It would seem your journey has crossed paths in an incredible turn of events and more then any of us in ‘straight’ relationships this will be more of an OUR journey for you both then any of our husbands could ever imagine. Together you will be able to have an experience like no other.Should you be blessed and achieve pregnancy as well… the fact that HJ was willing to put herself out there will also help in your journey.Amazing things await you. So amazing their too hard to even imagine.Good luckD

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