I have been reading posts on an IVF networking site I belong to and I find myself having strange thoughts and facing my old demon: jealousy.
For starters: we all call this IVF and infertility thing we deal with “our journey.” I do it too!! But this journey business feels like a load of horse- sh—! A journey should be fun…. it should lead to someplace new and exciting. But at this point, it’s getting a bit hard to see the end of the road for me….. I am feeling more like the Jews who wandered around the desert for 40 years….at about the 20 year mark. I guess my big fear is that we are truly only at the 5 1/2 year mark which means that I won’t get a glimpse of the holy land for another 34 1/2 years. AND I am sure that some of the wandering Jews died before they even made it to their goal. I soooo do not want that to be me and HJ.
Rant #2: I see women who are trying for child #2 or #3, (etc) and they talk about how desperate they are to have IVF work for them. For that matter, I want IVF to work for them too!! But it is really hard for me to imagine being DESPERATE for IVF to work when they already have 1 or more children who call them “mom” and who they get to dress for Halloween and who they get to cradle and comfort…. I would do almost anything to have those experiences even 1 time. Desperate sums up my feelings about this completely.
How did I get here (thought #3): I was looking at my “IVF signature” today. Now my history consists of 2 IVF attempts, 1 miscarriage and 1 failure. How much longer will my signature have to grow? How many more attempts can HJ and I take emotionally? How many more times can we afford IVF? I just never thought that I would be a person who would HAVE to do IVF then I never thought I would be one of those women with repeated failures. But here I am feeling dazed and confused…. and honestly, more than a little bruised.
There: now I have shown all my nasty, mean feelings and I feel guilty that I even have those feelings. Good people are entitled to have the families they choose to create and modern science is the key for all of us! I also honor the fact that not everyone would even support HJ and I becoming parents. So, here I am now realizing that I ought to count my blessings rather than bemoaning the fact that I don’t have all that I want.
1- I got pregnant through IVF— so I can do it again.
2- HJ shares my desire to be a family of 3 or more.
3- God has provided for us so that IVF is even an option.
4- I got a new job just as we started trying to get pregant– allowing us more money and me a flexible schedule.
5- My family is supportive.
6- HJ has agreed to be the “back up” delivery mom.
7- I am not going through this process alone thanks to HJ, my family and a wonderful online community.
8- various other IVF-related blessings that I cannot even think of at this moment.