On Saturday I had to take a long drive by myself. The day was perfect– sunny, warm and leaves changing with few pressing responsibilities for me. An unexpected happy feeling washed over me as I drove. I thought about my life, fertility issues, HJ, God and nothing at all. I listened to old Indigo Girls CDs and felt at peace with the world. The day truly was perfect!
As I revelled in the unbidden bliss, I had an image of HJ and I celebrating as we look at a 2 pink lines on a hpt from her IUI. I could feel how very happy we will be if she is indeed able to get pregnant (which I no longer take as for granted). I could imagine myself watching her growing belly and getting ever more excited to hold our child. I now know that something has shifted inside me. I am not worried that I won’t be a good support to HJ if she get pregnant rather than me. Of course I still want to carry a child, but I can accept any path the child may come to us on… not just accept, but embrace the path! I don’t view my “vision” as prophetic but I do see it as my subconscious saying, “relax, we’re fine!”
Speaking of being fine, I have now had 3 people comment on the change in my mood. My friend “Ashton” and his wife “Jewel” both noticed the change. In fact, Ashton came by my office today to say how glad he was to see me honestly happy again. He and I are very close so he has a pretty good handle on my emotional state– also he’s a therapist! He said that he and Jewel had been worried about me since the m/c because I lost my bubbly self….. hmmmm, I thought I was hiding my irritability better than that! In reference to my mood: I have felt as though I have known how to behave lately— calm, happy and pleasant– but none of those states have come easily. I had to work really hard to stay in my happy place; whereas, I am normally just a naturally happy person.
I feel as though the clouds may have passed for a time.