The real cost of this cycle

Warning this is a sad story!

HJ and I were having a lovely day yesterday. We had been working for a few hours and she went to the store to pick up a small item. When she returned, my heart skipped a beat as she looked up at me and smiled with her hair all wind-blown and sunglasses on– it was one of those “I’m so lucky” moments. Then she hugged me and said, “I’m so sorry.” Clearly our brains had gone in different directions so I said “About what?”
HJ: “That I didn’t get pregnant.”
My heart sank. Of course I was not upset at her about that (yes, we still don’t know for sure but it is unlikely) and I reassured her about that. But the reality is that she now truly understands the magnitude of feeling failed by your body…. failing as a woman. I wish I could have spared her that feeling. I talked with her about the fact that few people get pg on the 1st attempt even “naturally” and all those other sorts of things. But now she has experienced the yuckiness that is IF– hopefully it will only be this time for her. But I wish she never had to know– wish I had not miscarried, wish we had a beautiful2 week old little girl right now— wish wish wish.

Okay all that being said, I am still okay emotionally and am trying to think that maybe we will be able to use my brother as our donor in the future. I know that my parents would really love that. So I am still grounded and still happy. But I do know what this IUI actually cost my soul-mate and I wish I could remove that self-doubt from her.

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2 Comments

Filed under plan b

2 responses to “The real cost of this cycle

  1. Dagny

    *sniff*You are so very sweet to have wanted to protect her from this. I’m so sorry it didn’t work out this time. Be good to each other today.xoxo

  2. Danielle

    You are a special person. Few would have even seen that one should be spared such disappointment. I know we’re still holding onto hope, but I can see that our bags are by the front door ready for us to move forward.Personally I see this as a blessing. I really believe that this cycle has brought you both so much closer that you will be able to look back with no regrets.One of the non-regrets being that you didn’t use your brother’s swim team. I know he proposed this idea at such a truly inopportune time that it was not feasible. But now, a new door is opening and I have a feeling that your family will blossom from all the right places… one of the special places being genetics… I think it’s just the neatest thing.Wishing you incredible blessings!D

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