Warning this is a sad story!
HJ and I were having a lovely day yesterday. We had been working for a few hours and she went to the store to pick up a small item. When she returned, my heart skipped a beat as she looked up at me and smiled with her hair all wind-blown and sunglasses on– it was one of those “I’m so lucky” moments. Then she hugged me and said, “I’m so sorry.” Clearly our brains had gone in different directions so I said “About what?”
HJ: “That I didn’t get pregnant.”
My heart sank. Of course I was not upset at her about that (yes, we still don’t know for sure but it is unlikely) and I reassured her about that. But the reality is that she now truly understands the magnitude of feeling failed by your body…. failing as a woman. I wish I could have spared her that feeling. I talked with her about the fact that few people get pg on the 1st attempt even “naturally” and all those other sorts of things. But now she has experienced the yuckiness that is IF– hopefully it will only be this time for her. But I wish she never had to know– wish I had not miscarried, wish we had a beautiful2 week old little girl right now— wish wish wish.
Okay all that being said, I am still okay emotionally and am trying to think that maybe we will be able to use my brother as our donor in the future. I know that my parents would really love that. So I am still grounded and still happy. But I do know what this IUI actually cost my soul-mate and I wish I could remove that self-doubt from her.