What would you do….

What would you do (what would I do) if you knew you could not fail?

I have been thinking about this idea for a few days. When I take on a new task, I generally feel that I will either succeed by my own cleverness and perseverance or I will succeed by finding the correct mentor ship. Since I feel this way, I usually DO succeed. I work my way into management wherever I work. I make friends out of the people I find appealing. I take on new projects with wild abandon and laugh my way through. My attitude is that I will have fun and I will either end with a good outcome or I will end with a good story. (Of course when I do not succeed at something, I tell myself that the thing simply was not on the path I should travel.) I realize that this way of thinking is very self-serving but it gives me great peace.

TTC has been very different for me. HJ and I initially began assuming that I would reproduce without trouble— just get me near a testicle swim team and my eggs would find a way! We even set aside $7000 of our savings thinking that we would have money to reproduce and put the rest back into the account… LOL … Then the RE had bad news for me and said that IVF would be my only option with any real chance of success. My heart dropped and I felt as though I had been punched in the stomach. But HJ and I persevered! We read up on the procedure and just knew that I would get pregnant on the 1st go… which I did….. then I miscarried. Then IVF #2 was a bust. My foundation has been rocked.

In retrospect, I have been to this foundationless place before. I was so totally broken when my 1st long term partner left me. I feared I would never love again so I filled my life with an amazing support system. The 2 years before I met HJ were filled with amazing joy and unanticipated growth. I did fear that I would just find a string of less than satisfying people to date but I found ways to fill the hole left by my 1st partner. I think the difference is that friends, family, career and such are not adequate replacements of being a mother and all the wonders that go with having a child.

Who am I if I cannot succeed? Who will I be if I cannot be a mother? I think that I have always seen myself as motherly. I take care of people. I adore Martha Stewart. I plan all year what I will bake at Christmas time. For pete’s sake, I even provide counseling to children! When I read the Awakening, I enjoyed Edna Pontellier’s independence but I more closely identified with Adele Ratignolle’s love of family. I have always considered myself, a “mother-woman.” (Which in my opinion does not also preclude being a feminist and an activist!)

So how would I feel about TTC if I KNEW without a doubt that I would succeed in having a child? No worries: no questions: just a quiet confidence in the knowledge that I will be a mother: that either HJ or I will produce a child to fill our home with that last missing element. If I knew these things, I would be free from such fear. I would not have that gnawing feeling that my life may proceed without my deepest desire. I think I would feel lighter and might feel less like I do right now— as though HJ and I are endlessly in a holding pattern.

Don’t misunderstand, I am happy. I feel blessed to be with the love of my life. I am fulfilled by my job and HJ and I are financially okay. I see the good parts of my life and I celebrate them. But how much happier could we all be if we knew that we could finish the TTC journey as parents rather than as wanna-be’s? Who knows? Maybe I will end feeling about the past year + the way I feel about the 2 years I was single as an adult— as I time I learned and grew for the better.

Quote: Just when the caterpillar thought its world was over, it became a butterfly.

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1 Comment

Filed under TTC thoughts

One response to “What would you do….

  1. Dagny

    I love that quote.And very deep thoughts there. I’d be too glib this am having just got out of bed and feeling crampy…UGH!!!!!!!!! LOL.So I’ll be back.You are awesome, I will say that.xoxo

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