Bitter Infertile

That’s me! Today I am a bitter infertile in the land of the happy, oblivious fertiles. I struggle to find and maintain my happy place and to find the lessons that this journey has to offer, but today I am feeling bitter and broken.

My sister and mother openly talk about how easy getting pregnant was. And every cycle I attempt, they tell me how fertile our family is so “of course you’ll get pregnant.” (They also told me that our family does not have a history of miscarriage so I should be fine —clearly that did not work our so well for me.) I cannot seem to get my family to understand how very hard TTC has been for HJ and I.

And I have these massive mixed emotions about HJ getting pregnant. Every month that our insemination attempts do not work is a disappointment for me (and for her). But at the same time, I still have a lingering concern that I might feel jealous watching her have a pregnancy when I really really want one… yet at the same time, I hope she is fertile because I want a child. This whole thought process makes my head hurt.

Lastly HJ and I have this recurrent semi-argument because she worries that my mother (and family) might not treat a child she carries as well as they will treat a child I carry. The whole topic puts me in a crazy tight spot. 1) I love everyone involved and want to make peace 2) I wonder the same thing but just cannot know the answer until we live it 3) I don’t even know if I can carry a baby to term so the whole idea may be a mute point. Every time we have this conversation, I generally shut down as I simply do not know what else to say at this point. stress, stress, stress

Tomorrow I will decorate for Christmas, bake cookies and wrap presents (and likely drink some more wine we got from the Bilt.more winery). Hopefully I will be able to post as a festive infertile at the end of the day.

Oh yeah, HJ took a hpt today and we got a single pink line…. probably just as well since her day 21 progesterone was only 10 (and an 11.5 is needed for a healthy pg). Next month we are doing an IUI with our known donor (Big Daddy) at Dr. Pal’s office. We will give this a few months then will likely begin using an RE for HJ also. RE’s attention to detail is much better than that of regular OBGYNs.

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