Things I did not expect to feel..

This whole TTC process (particularly with my fertility issues) has brought out both the best and the worst in me at times.

Some days I marvel at the strength of resolve of HJ and I and our like-minded focus to have a child. I also love the way I have been able to see our relationship more clearly. We seem to take turns holding one another up. We share the task of staying strong throughout this journey. My role is the calm, patient partner while hers is the motivated, get-things accomplished role. Truly we are well-suited. However, some days our personalities and emotions overlap in far too many ways.

Today she called me, sounding cheerful: “Outdoor guy and Hope are pregnant again.”

Me: “Well that’s great! How far along is she?”

HJ: About 4 weeks. The IUI worked.

Me: That’s wonderful! *long pause* I have to admit that I am jealous.

HJ, sounding relieved: Oh thank God! Me too!

Me: I don’t want to feel this way.

HJ: Me either. I was trying to pretend that I was just excited.’

Really…. I want to be excited!! Hope has PCOS (though she is not overweight at all) and she rarely ovulates. She has been my live infertility buddy and she is an amazing woman. She has 1 miracle baby and is a gifted mother. For Pete’s sake, I have even prayed for her to get pregnant!! Yet, here I am feeling… jealous. My own personal sense of “when is it my turn?” has reared its ugly head. (Yes, DB this alter-ego is also in my barbie car!)

I think I will give myself a small break on beating myself up though because HJ did call only 15 minutes after I learned that my company will have to reduce our workforce by 10%…. today. Thankfully, my position will not be affected but people I care about will be losing their jobs today… before Christmas…. so sad.


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