wishing and hoping

I am having one of those days when I just want us to have a child already! I am tired of waiting, and hoping, and praying, and charting, and taking meds, and getting injections, and waiting, and arguing with God, and bargaining with God (or any intervening deity), and feeling sad, and being patient, and creating hope, and finding a plan b for pregnancy, and trying to find more ways to pinch our budget, and learning life lessons. I want to learn lessons like “Make sure to cover that thing up when you change his diaper!” or “She pukes when you try to feed her peas.” I want baby cuddle time, and I want HJ and I to laugh as we try to recall the last time we had enough energy to have sex because our precious little Lima bean will not allow us to sleep. These seem like reasonable wants and just a bit over a year ago they felt as though they were just right outside my grasp… now they feel further away rather than nearer.

While in KY, I told my mom that HJ and I decided that we would try to use her uterus in addition to mine. My mom was supportive (as she now understands is her role) but she was concerned that I might be upset not to be the birth mama in the family. I tried to assuage her fears but I could see them still looming under the surface. I explained that it does not matter to me anymore which one of us has the baby because my goal is to have a child to raise. I did not have the words (or perhaps the bravery) to explain to my mother that after 2 failed IVFs, I am getting worried that I might not be successful in conceiving and carrying a child. Surely there is an end to how much financial strain I will put on HJ and I in my desire to have a child?

A few nights ago, I was feeling quite optimistic as we prepared for this IUI with HJ, and I made some off-handed comment about our lives when we have a baby. Rather than simply dreaming with me, HJ answered more honestly: she said, “Do you really think we will have a child? Really?” She was not being a pessimist or melodramatic: she was simply looking for some reassurance and an honest discussion. She says that she wants a child as badly as I do (and I know this is true) but she says that all this fruitless effort is wearing her down. I cannot agree more! As time goes by, I am having to ask myself, “Will my life feel complete without a child?” I truly do not want to be a bitter infertile or feel that a portion of my life was left incomplete. And if I have to move forward without children, how do I fill that void? I love my pets and my friends but I cannot say with certainty that they fill the place I have always reserved for a child. I have always felt like a mother and perhaps that is what makes the waiting and hoping so hard.

Speaking of waiting, we are now 3 days into our 2ww. We have decided to do a hpt on the 27th. Fingers crossed.

1 Comment

Filed under TTC thoughts

One response to “wishing and hoping

  1. Travelher and Pufferfish

    I really relate to this last part of your post. How would I feel if this were to never happen? It’s a hard thought to think. I hope you don’t have to wonder that too long and you and HJ have success on this IUI.Fingers crossed for you.

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