To set your collective mind at ease, I did not actually kill anyone yesterday. What I did do was call my boss and request to work at home. I explained my emotionally unfit state; she laughed and agreed that I should stay home. I had a lovely time. I generally love my job but the team I supervise is secretly called the “island of misfit toys.” And they are all very misfit-like. They are kind and dedicated women but they try my patience at least 3x per week. They cannot seem to maintain boundaries among themselves or with their clients and their personalities are just…. well… annoying. So as one might imagine, working when I am all crazy-hormonal would just be a recipe for disaster.
Today I am still in the emotionally questionable category but seem to be better. I just left my RE’s office for monitoring. I do not know how my blood work looks yet but I do know that my follies are rapidly developing. The doc gave me an Ant@gon shot as a “first aid kit”to make certain that I do not ovulate too soon. This does not sound promising. Also I have only 1-2 follicles on my right ovary and 7-8 follicles on my left ovary (that are of decent size). I am very jealous of women who make 1o or more mature eggs in a single IVF cycle. I have not made 10 mature eggs in both my previous cycles combined!
As I write this, I can finally admit to myself that I am wigging out. I am worried about egg quality and disappointed with my lack of productiveness. Follies developing too quickly can mean reduced quality and I wonder if we have just stimulated those old, yucky PCO follies to develop. Ugh. I also hoped that cycling without birth control pills would allow me to make tons of healthy eggs. No ovaries filled to the brim with follicles and questionable quality…. let the waterworks begin.
OMG, there is a young pregnant teen across the room from me in Paner@. She is drinking a Mountain Dew and has a pack of cigarettes sitting on her table….Must fight the urge to throttle the thoughtlessly fertile….
I am going to have to accept that this whole process is out of my control. I have been using my Anji guided meditation CD I downloaded and it is helping me maintain my peace. I am going to try to find my happy place and send happy growing and healthy vibes to my ovaries and follicles. Who knows maybe I have already created half the DNA for my future child?