The best laid plans…

Fear found and ally…Doubt. Those bastards invaded my dreams and have held me hostage so far this morning.

I dreamed that a strange neighbor couple HJ and I do not even know asked us to help them pack up and move. We agreed. The house was incredibly dirty and disorganized. The husband, an old creepy guy, had lots of “vignettes” he would not let us touch: the vignettes were little things he had created from bits of scrap and trash, like used matches and cardboard. Somewhere along the way, we realized that the man had schizophrenia and we felt very sorry for him and his wife. The more we moved things, we found disturbing stuff… like a shrine to me. He admitted that “we have a special connection.” Then he kidnapped me and I was afraid he would kill me. (Ok as a mental health professional I have to say this was just a dream and that most mentally ill people are not dangerous— just in my dreams.)

Then I woke up and I am feeling sad and overwhelmed. In the shower, I allowed myself to think about how I will feel and what I will do if this IVF does not work. Now I am tearful and hoping that a little blog therapy is going to set me back to my calm place. Every 2ww is a total mindf*ck and they seem to intensify with dwindling bank accounts. I wish I could get back to that calm certainty.

“Sorry little embryos, your Mommy is having a small crisis of faith.”

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6 Comments

Filed under IVF #3

6 responses to “The best laid plans…

  1. timaree

    I think fear and doubt are both pretty normal emotions at this point, but that doesn’t help you feel better. Just try to hang on, and know that we’re all here supporting you.

  2. Next in Line

    I am in the room right there beside you avoiding eye contact with that dam dog. This TWW is truly a test of endurance.

  3. anofferingoflove

    i have tons of faith in your little embryos! im redoubling the good vibes im sending your direction! 😀 try to stay positive for your little embryos, its hard, i know. sending big hugs.

  4. Danielle

    LOL The hCG is gone. Consider it official…. I swear my theory is right… hCG = cloud 9… it leaves and you have to wait for babies to kick in and produce their share… you panic because it takes time. You set up camp with fear and doubt, you have a couple all nighter binges, then WHAMO out of no where, you’ll be happy again.Knowing and understanding that this is part of the process doesn’t make it that much better… but in some ways in can help. Know that you’re not alone and that you’re right on schedule for a ++++Best of luckD

  5. insertmetaphor

    I’m got faith in those embryos too! I know how hard it is to stay positive through the fear. I’ve got a lot of hope for you.

  6. poppycat

    I have so much hope and faith that this is going to be your bfp cycle. Take a few minutes to force yourself to be hopeful and positive(meditate), sometimes those few minutes are enough to change the direction for the day.I can’t wait to hear some good news from you.

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