Fear found and ally…Doubt. Those bastards invaded my dreams and have held me hostage so far this morning.
I dreamed that a strange neighbor couple HJ and I do not even know asked us to help them pack up and move. We agreed. The house was incredibly dirty and disorganized. The husband, an old creepy guy, had lots of “vignettes” he would not let us touch: the vignettes were little things he had created from bits of scrap and trash, like used matches and cardboard. Somewhere along the way, we realized that the man had schizophrenia and we felt very sorry for him and his wife. The more we moved things, we found disturbing stuff… like a shrine to me. He admitted that “we have a special connection.” Then he kidnapped me and I was afraid he would kill me. (Ok as a mental health professional I have to say this was just a dream and that most mentally ill people are not dangerous— just in my dreams.)
Then I woke up and I am feeling sad and overwhelmed. In the shower, I allowed myself to think about how I will feel and what I will do if this IVF does not work. Now I am tearful and hoping that a little blog therapy is going to set me back to my calm place. Every 2ww is a total mindf*ck and they seem to intensify with dwindling bank accounts. I wish I could get back to that calm certainty.
“Sorry little embryos, your Mommy is having a small crisis of faith.”