Swiss cheese

My friend shared her thoughts today that each failed attempt leaves an empty place in your heart. I have to agree. Each month, each attempt we invest a piece of our hearts and each failed attempt leaves a hole. Beyond that, I think every hopeful prenatal vitamin we take, each injection, each unpleasant procedure, each bit of modesty we relinquish, each pregnancy test we buy or avoid buying, every dollar we spend seemingly uselessly… each leaves its own void that can only be filled with a child. It feels as though someday, there will only remain an abyss in the spot my heart used to occupy.

I never dreamed that I would have 3 failed IVF cycles. I told someone that I would do 7 cycles in the hopes of having a child (if I had the money- which I do not), but I was wrong. At this moment, I am not sure that I could even attempt a free IVF cycle (not that anyone is offering). I am sad and I am empty and I truly hate beginning and ending the workweek crying in my office.

I did see a therapist. Dr Helpful is very nice. She honored my pain beautifully and never tried to help me have “more positive self talk.” If she would have tried to give me any hokey mantras, told me to look at the bright side or had an office filled with baby photos, I think I would have attacked her with my pointy shoes! What she actually did was sit with me. She let me tell my story in my way and she listened. I did not cry in her office as much as I thought I might and since my session, I have felt less on the verge of tears (although that does happen). I am still sad, so very very sad but I think my sense of desperation has eased a bit. I have another session scheduled and I am journaling my thoughts in a lovely leather-bound book. Perhaps I will share a photo of my book someday: I have very warm and loving feelings toward that thing.

Will I ever have a child? I don’t know.
Do I still want a child? More than I can express
Am I angry with God? YEP!
Am I going to be okay?…. probably.

Some people get babies out of an IVF cycle: I get therapy and antidepressants. I wish I knew how this would all end.

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6 Comments

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6 responses to “Swiss cheese

  1. Dagny

    I just read what you wrote to Al, through my own tears. and he said…”yeah, she got that right”You hit the nail on the head there.Each cycle. Hope, failure. Rinse and repeat.I’m sorry.I’m glad you are talking to someone, and I hope that you find happiness and peace, whether or not that includes a child I dont’ know, but your happiness I hope for.Take care of yourself.xoxo

  2. insertmetaphor

    I’m glad you got to see someone and she was supportive. I wish you got a baby instead.xo

  3. Next in Line

    Yes there are holes. There is something about the intensive nature of this process whether it is daily temperature taking, shooting drugs managing side effects. It is constant and with us everyday. Add to that the amount of times we have to show our lady business around and the money involved. I go could go on and on but this process is heartbreaking. All my hugs for you and all of us who try and try without getting anywhere and finally have to draw the line.

  4. poppycat

    Your description could not be more painfully accurate. I think at some point scar tissue will fill in that hole and then it will fade a little bit. No matter how faded though, that scar will always be there as an honor badge of sorts. It takes a really strong and dynamic person to go through what we have and come out the other side. You will find your way and get what you yearn for, I know you will.xo

  5. Portia P

    Found you on the Google update.I did 5 IVF’s and was told after IVF 4 that my chances were less than 5% and that we should give up. At my third clinic and on my 5th attempt I got there. I never believed it could happen and it did. Having been through 4 failed cycles – I said I’d only do 3 but refused to give up – I do know how you feel. It’s desperate. I also have a friend who attempted IVF with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend was initially going to carry the baby but then couldn’t do IVF as she had breast cancer. My friend on her first cycle only for her to miscarry at 18 weeks. She has gone on to have twin boys. I’m not sure if this helps – i used to love success stories as they gave me hope. I’m sorry for how you feel – it sits like a cloud over you – but I hope that you get the child you’re wishing for.

  6. anofferingoflove

    your post is spot-on. i think infertility is a pain we’ll always carry with us. i am hoping for you, though, that you soon have a baby (in whatever way he or she comes to you) to distract yourself from the pain. sending you big ((hugs)).

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