For the past couple of years I have been picking up and putting down a book by Stephen Hawking: in this book he discusses the nature of time. He is certainly a brilliant mind and my own brain struggles to keep up with his thought process. So my strategy is that I read until my brain gets muddled (maybe a chapter) then I put the book away and return again when I have sorted out my thoughts. My poor interpretation of his writings is that time is not absolute (nor just an arbitrary construct) but joins with space to form an “object” called space-time. Usually I struggle with this concept but lately the ideas are popping into place for me: I think because I am experiencing time differently. Time feels like it has weight and I am helping shoulder some of the mass at this point.

I wake in the mornings before my alarm sounds. I take my time getting ready. I eat breakfast and I make lunches for J and I. Sometimes I do a load of laundry and put the clean dishes into the cabinet from the dishwasher. I leave the house when I am well-put together. I drive to work listening to NPR. Sometimes I stop for a Star.bucks or a S.onic iced tea. My mornings are not hectic. Sometimes I even add in yoga or a walk. I have time, plenty of it, tons of the stuff. I am drowning in time! As I live my organized life, what I long for is more hectic. I want to have petty spats over who will make breakfast and who will feed the baby. I want to struggle to get the baby up, fed, cleaned, dressed and to the sitters before I go to my own job. I want to get to work only to realize that I have some sort of baby spooge on my blouse and that I forgot to brush my hair. I want to wish for more hours in the day. But I don’t.

Alternately, time is passing by too quickly. I realize my age is 36 years and I think “Holy Fck, I’m old!” I am not a woman who does not want to age. I am personally fine aging. I just wish my ovaries would stay young and vibrant. I feel time passing- much like you notice the ocean as you try to run thigh-deep down the beach. J and I are taking a sanity break after this disaster IVF but a part of me is sitting in the back of my head screaming “Nobody’s getting any younger here chickie, better get busy making babies.” But I am tired and I need this rest. I need to lose the 25 pounds fertility meds have packed onto me, and I need to lose the dust that too much sadness has left on my soul. I need time.

So you see like Hawking says, time really is relative based upon your current position and perspective.



Filed under gathering up the pieces

4 responses to “Time

  1. insertmetaphor

    I know exactly how you feel. I constantly resent how much time I have in the evenings to hang out on my computer or watch tv. I want to long for these days, wish I still had time for such fluff while I juggle bedtimes and dirty diapers. It’s a strange feeling.

  2. poppycat

    You and I are in very much the same place right now. In fact, I am watching a show on Hawking right now and I think its a little creepy that you mention him now. I feel much as you do and I think a little break will do you both a world of good. It doesn’t have to be long, just long enough for you to really want to get back to trying again. Take care of yourself, I am thinking of you.

  3. Dagny

    I was watching him a few weeks ago myself.Maybe there is a link between Hawking and the Infertile? But I know what you mean.(((hug))

  4. anofferingoflove

    this is a great post to print and tuck away, so you can pull out and re-read on one of those crazy, hectic mornings that WILL come. i hope this period of rest helps you rejuvinate and get ready to tackle whatever is next. ((hugs))

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