Illumination

I have had a few epiphanies of late.

Last night I was talking with Dr Helpful who mostly “gets” infertility but I do not think she has experienced it herself (so sometimes she loses the path). I was talking about my feelings about leaving IVF behind and letting go of most of my fantasies about having a child with my own eggs. She sat across from me with her earnest, innocent face filled with determination that I can succeed at IVF. I can tell that she really wants me to be able to have MY baby, to fulfill MY dreams. What she cannot fathom is how it feels to have multiple failed cycles, to struggle to squeeze IVF funds from the budget 3 times (and potentially another), and to experience the repeated ups and downs that go with failed cycles. Dr Helpful said that she still has hopes for me and she suggested that I needed a better clinic with a better success rate. I took the information she shared but I came to the solid resolve that I will never do IVF again. I felt sad about that.

I went home and looked up the clinic she suggested. It is far away but has excellent success rates. The clinic’s site also shared a ton of information. The way they present their results is by breaking down success by age and grouping. The groupings correspond to the difficulty of a woman’s reproductive issues. I fall into the most difficult group (3 failed IVF’s, low antral follicle count and less that 8 eggs retrieved per cycle). The success rate for my group and age is 19%! Obviously that is a totally sucky probability for such an expensive procedure. I felt complete peace and relief wash over me. I now know that IVF is not for me and I really should not have tried #3. No regrets, no doubts, I have done what I can do.

Next steps:
1) J will be our primary reproductive hope. She will do IUI’s from now until the summer.
2) If we have not succeeded by the end of summer, J will do IVF.
3) If we have frosties from J’s IVF, I will try to carry those. 🙂
4) In the meantime I will lose the lingering 20 pounds and try 2 IUI cycles with Clo.mid, which has shown good results for women with PCOS. (I know this one is a long shot but for some reason I need to try.)

I feel better. My heart is lighter and more free. Hope is in the house. I had to relinquish a piece of myself that cost me dearly. But I think the payoff will make the letting go worthwhile.

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10 Comments

Filed under IVF #3 closure, next steps

10 responses to “Illumination

  1. glamcookie

    I am so sorry that you have to leave your dream behind. But it sounds like you have a wonderful plan (and partner). Wishing J quick success in bringing your child into your lives.

  2. queerstork

    I think that’s a great plan and will surely lead to one of you being pregnant before year end. I’m glad to hear you’re not giving up on your dream… just amending it a little. Best wishes.

  3. anofferingoflove

    i love the new plan — sounds like a great way to continue with both of you giving it your all, while acknowleding limits. i cant wait to read about your upcoming successes! i’ll be out here, cheering you both on!

  4. Lizzie

    This is so hard. Each piece of it. Each step. You are brave for moving on, and moving toward your child.

  5. Victoria

    I like your plan. Ironically, today I came across the couple who had Quads (both parents had twins) born the same day, same egg and same sperm.

  6. poppycat

    I know it’s hard to revise dreams but I have a feeling, when you look back someday, you will be very happy you made the choices you did. I am a firm believer in dream revision rather than letting a dream go. I hope this new plan brings your dream to fruition before you can say “bye, bye IVF”.xo

  7. Danielle

    I find peace in your words and Hope… much more comforting then the anger and disappointment I was feeling.I feel it too… it’s no over, just taking a new direction.D

  8. tireegal68

    I really felt a sense of peace reading your posting. I know it was hard to get to that point of illumination – but it sounds like it feels better to be there and to have decided on the next steps.I know I have had to revise my dreams too, rather than give up on them, as poppycat said, and I keep believing that this process really is that – a process whether we like it or not – and through it we figure out the next step and keep moving forward. Good luck with those next steps – it makes a lot of sense – and I really really hope it brings you that beloved baby soon!

  9. Next in Line

    You have a great new plan! I am guessing Dr. Helpful has not done IVF. Those cycles are really effing hard. Good for you for finding your peace and sticking to it. I am cheering for both of you!

  10. A

    Our journey’s really have gone in the same direction haven’t they??? Wow, it’s all so overwhelming at times, but I’ve always said we have to uterus’ in one house. One has to work. I just never thought it wouldn’t be mine. I wish you two the best of luck and We’ll go through this together.

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