Wrestling with WHY

This post was almost called “Word from Methuselah” because I am feeling old… seriously old. So old that I don’t know why I am even thinking that I could possibly be a mother. So old that people might someday stop me in the grocery store to ask me what my grandchild’s name is: to which I will reply, “No this is MY child” and I won’t even try to hide my irritation. And I have wrinkles around my eyes… many too many to be a mother. See the thought process? Then I read every one’s updates today…. and I feel a bit better, lighter really. Dakota and Mulberry got a BFP! yay. And others in the over 35 crowd are also bearing fruit. So I have decided that I am old but not too old for mothering. Which brings me to my next thought process…. WHEN and more importantly WHY?

Why must we wait? Why is this my third mother’s day without a child? Why is this so hard? Why do other people pop out children with so little effort? Why Why WHY…. honestly, I know that this whole line of thought is trite and I feel silly writing about it. But it is so what I am feeling right now: in fact, I woke up obsessing over the why question in the middle of the night last night. The why’s are making me tired and logically, I know that there are no answers I will feel satisfied with.

Yesterday, J and I went to the Big Business Fertility Clinic to meet with Martha, the embryo lady. We are #8 on that list. Their success rates with FET cycles is above 40% and she thinks their embryo donation cycles are better. (??she thinks??) Our meeting with her was….fine. I think this might be the crux of my newest blue funk. I hoped that our consultation with her would leave me feeling buoyant and energized. Instead I left our time with that oh-another-meaningless-appointment feeling. We came, we talked, we paid: no more, no less. Martha said that she estimates that we may need to wait 4 months for a donor to come available. She described the process. She said that she will call when our number is up. I asked if I could call monthly for updates about our place in line. Martha seemed offended. I explained that we are anxious and have been at this a long time. She softened a little. How does this new clinic find people with no observable heart? Really?? Oh, and she suggested that the 3-4 month waiting period I am in would be a good time to finish losing 20 pounds.. heh.

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10 Comments

Filed under donor embryos, feeling blue, next steps, TTC thoughts, waiting

10 responses to “Wrestling with WHY

  1. Lizzie

    i actually wrote a post yesterday that i ended up deleting that was full of the ‘why’ question … i get it. and i’m an oldie, too. sorry you didn’t emerge all buoyant from the meeting today. and mother’s day this year, dreading it. ugh. love and solidarity to you this weekend!

  2. C.I.W.

    Another old lady here. I feel your pain.. and often wonder the same. It sucks. No matter what.. old and wrinklies still make great moms. Me and mine call ourselves and our big arses “big business” So.. evertime I read your “Big Business Fertility Clinic” I think. huh. they found a fertility clinic that only deals with big business? interesting. Then I set myself straight (so to speak) and giggle. 🙂 Casey

  3. anofferingoflove

    yeah, there are definitly no answers to the “why” questions re: infertility. im so sorry you are experiencing this pain and frustration right now. sending you big love.

  4. tireegal68

    another old lady here – wondering why and wishing mothers’ day would go away! I don’t have any words of wisdom to say except I feel it too and no it’s not fair! take care, thinking of you and sending you love and hugs:)

  5. tireegal68

    oh and for the record, Martha needs to get over herself and I think it’s your turn to look offended at the idea that they should charge you to tell you…er… nothing you didn’t know already. I mean really, what did they actually do? Is Martha a doctor or a nurse? Did she provide therapy or draw your blood? It’s so hard to be beholden to these nit wits!Grrrrr….feeling very protective here!

  6. mulberry

    want me to hunt that martha down for you? i might just have to beat her up! thanks for the shout out… i have that ”i am gonna be SO old with our kids” feeling all the time. i am now the age that my grandmother was when i was born… yippes!i am so sorry that the wait is so long to get the donor embryos. i hope that the timeline ends up being much faster.

  7. reproducinggenius

    I’m not so fond of this Martha. She seems unnecessarily cold, and there was no need to slap you with the “you can use the time to lose 20 pounds” bit. Please, ma’am, rub salt in my wounds. Add some lemon juice while you’re at it. Geesh! I hope that if you do have to wait four months, they go quickly, but really, I hope the wait is far shorter. xoxo

  8. Best When Used By

    The “whys” are always hard because there just are no answers. We’re left hanging onto silence. But you know what? This is YOUR life, and you only have one, and if being a mom is what you want to experience in this life, then to hell with everyone else. Go for it.Martha needs a little sensitivity training. What’s up with that? They should be excited to have you call and see if you’ve moved up on the list. If not….call anyway.Finally, did you know you can research the BBFC’s statistics that they have to report to the CDC? Go here: http://apps.nccd.cdc.gov/ART2006/FCT.aspx?SelectedYear=2006Put in the info and review the charts. You may find out more than Martha knows.Hang in there (sorry for the long comment).

  9. poppycat

    I am with you on the “why?”. I wish I had a helpful answer that would set you and ease but alas, I do not. I am in that over 35 category now too but don’t think we are TOO old yet. We still have a few good years in us. ;)I hate that your clinic is so inept at dealing with your emotional health and only focuses on the procedure and the dollars. It makes me want to scream! I am lucky that my clinic has been amazing in their compassion and I want you to have that same experience too.

  10. insertmetaphor

    We’ve had the unfortunate experience of starting with plenty of fertile years when we first started trying to now finding ourselves up to the edge of advanced maternal age!!!! I hate the ticking of the years. But you are not too old for motherhood! You are the perfect age and you will get there.The “why” questions don’t seem to stop. I hope one day we can answer them.

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