This post was almost called “Word from Methuselah” because I am feeling old… seriously old. So old that I don’t know why I am even thinking that I could possibly be a mother. So old that people might someday stop me in the grocery store to ask me what my grandchild’s name is: to which I will reply, “No this is MY child” and I won’t even try to hide my irritation. And I have wrinkles around my eyes… many too many to be a mother. See the thought process? Then I read every one’s updates today…. and I feel a bit better, lighter really. Dakota and Mulberry got a BFP! yay. And others in the over 35 crowd are also bearing fruit. So I have decided that I am old but not too old for mothering. Which brings me to my next thought process…. WHEN and more importantly WHY?
Why must we wait? Why is this my third mother’s day without a child? Why is this so hard? Why do other people pop out children with so little effort? Why Why WHY…. honestly, I know that this whole line of thought is trite and I feel silly writing about it. But it is so what I am feeling right now: in fact, I woke up obsessing over the why question in the middle of the night last night. The why’s are making me tired and logically, I know that there are no answers I will feel satisfied with.
Yesterday, J and I went to the Big Business Fertility Clinic to meet with Martha, the embryo lady. We are #8 on that list. Their success rates with FET cycles is above 40% and she thinks their embryo donation cycles are better. (??she thinks??) Our meeting with her was….fine. I think this might be the crux of my newest blue funk. I hoped that our consultation with her would leave me feeling buoyant and energized. Instead I left our time with that oh-another-meaningless-appointment feeling. We came, we talked, we paid: no more, no less. Martha said that she estimates that we may need to wait 4 months for a donor to come available. She described the process. She said that she will call when our number is up. I asked if I could call monthly for updates about our place in line. Martha seemed offended. I explained that we are anxious and have been at this a long time. She softened a little. How does this new clinic find people with no observable heart? Really?? Oh, and she suggested that the 3-4 month waiting period I am in would be a good time to finish losing 20 pounds.. heh.