Bitter pill

Sometimes I think I have completely dealt with an issue only to find that the issue still has some power over me. I find these moments of self-insight frustrating beyond words. For instance I know that the world is not fair. I know that many families who do not want or need to be parents will easily have children. I know that women who are completely physically, emotionally and financially prepared to be parents will never get that chance. I know that there is no real rhyme or reason to who gets pregnant how quickly. I know. I know. I know that TTC is not fair. Sometimes though I still struggle to accept the unfairness of this process.

Remember my friend A, who I wrote about a couple of months ago? She is my long-term friend who is 39 and recently decided to try to have a child. She refused to take any fertility drugs and began IUI’s. She was honestly a bit smug about her chances of conceiving, saying “Women in my family are always fertile.” I wished her well but had my doubts. Yeah, we all know where this is going. She called me yesterday. Her second IUI attempt was successful. She is pregnant.

I have now been lapped by older women who only recently woke up and though “Oh, I think I might try to be a mom now.” The lack of fairness is a bitter pill this weekend. I have done 3 IVF cycles… no baby. J has done 5 IUIs…no baby. J has done 3 at home insems… no baby. We have spent many thousands of dollars we do not have. We have cried more tears than we thought we could hold and we have prayed with such intensity. Now we have even given up on own own DNA. It feels as though we have put in our time and my friend A hasn’t. I can’t help but think of a post by the egg dance some months back when she listed all the people she thought would become pregnant before she does. To name a few, she listed men, extinct animals, and her neutered pets. For my own personal list, I would like to add every freaking female I ever knew, even the ones who said that they did not want children!

BTW: a part of me is really happy for her since I would never wish infertility upon anyone.



Filed under bitter infertile, random thoughts, rant, TTC thoughts

7 responses to “Bitter pill

  1. Danielle

    Still sucks….D

  2. Best When Used By

    You have every right to feel betrayed and resentful and hurt and shit on by fate, mother nature and the universe. How dare she decide to have a baby and get pg after 2 IUIs? It is SO not fair. How is it that she won the game with 2 simple rolls of the dice? No, I don't get it either. And as logical as "life's not fair" is, the reality of it is no less searing. Just like when one of my friends, who claimed she never wanted children, had her second perfect baby this past January. No medical intervention necessary. Must be nice.On the flip side, I'm hoping that a year from now you and J will have a beautiful baby of your own to kiss and love and help heal the pain of the past.

  3. anofferingoflove

    ouch. that is f*cking unfair. period.

  4. poppycat

    Huge sigh. Me too. Love ya girl.

  5. Dagny

    Yep. Sucks ass.Im sorry. At least you never have to worry about me getting pg before you. ;)But really, I know how much that fucking stings. Burns. Aches.xoxoxo

  6. tireegal68

    Bastards! Does she know how you have been struggling? Eeeeuuuw that hurts! I remember my own niavete – thinking that just because my twin sis got preggers 15 years ago I would be fertile. Yeah – right! How is that cycle going? I believe you have already started your meds? Keeping you in thoughts and hopes:)

  7. insertmetaphor

    I hope this bitterness fades one day – I know it well – but it's hard to imagine a time when these announcements won't hurt so much. xo

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