Oh the places my brain goes

This cycle is so…. quiet. I am still taking Estradiol shots twice weekly, Lupron daily and today I began taking PIO injections. The RE also added an antibiotic and a steroid as a “just in case measure.” It’s funny the things a person can get accustomed to. I set my phone’s alarm, I take the next med and I move on. My side of this cycle seems easy, physically.

I am finding the mental aspect much harder. I find it hard to truly admit this to myself, but this attempt is quite likely the end of our journey. I am hopeful that I will get pregnant and will have a baby from this cycle, and if that does not work, I am hopeful that we will have frozen embryos to use in the future. But after that…. I think we have to be done. What other drastic measures can a woman take after 3 IVFs and the use of donor eggs? If this does not work, I cannot keep asking J (and myself) to keep pouring money down the drain. In honesty, J could have walked away after IVF 2 or 3: she keeps persevering because she worries how I will react if she says “no more.” So this is now my task, I must be the one who finds the end game, edits our priorities. Clearly money is not the value we esteem most, but imagine the vacations we could have financed with our “fertility money.” Imagine the student loans we could be finished with. Imagine the simple good times we could have if our focus were not always on the next step, the next chart, the next plan….. the life we hope we will have. How might our lives be different if we could honestly start living presently? If we could fill this moment to the brim with LIFE and fun and happy memories, would that be enough? So here comes the big question: if this donor egg thing does not come through, will the life I am left with be enough?

I have asked myself the same question many times throughout this journey and every time I have answered that “NO, my life cannot be full without a child!” But I think I am at a different place today. My answer is not a calm, serene, “Sure.” My answer is more like, “I can find a way to make my life happy.” I watched a powerful presentation on TED.com about this very topic. The speaker showed research that discussed the level of happiness people present after events and the results were surprising. Getting everything a person wants (like winning the lottery) does not make that person any happier than a person living through a trauma after 6 or more months have passed. It seems that we must find meaning to make our lives happy. So I am trying to find ways to make my life meaningful with or without a BFP, with or without a child.

See my point? The physical side of this cycle is rather a cinch compared to all the mental machinations I am putting myself through.

But all in all I am not as freaked as I seem. I am still hopeful and I believe this cycle will give J and I the child we are meant to have. I think I am just moving to a place of letting go of the wants of my ego to move to a place of accepting whatever fate my life holds. Either way, I will move forward without regrets.

Tomorrow morning, our eggies will be thawed and ICSI’d. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas. A kid with a really intense set of thoughts and worries.

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8 Comments

Filed under donor egg cycle

8 responses to “Oh the places my brain goes

  1. Best When Used By

    Just a few more days of waiting! I am dying over here with excitement for you! The psych component is a normal part of the process…the ups, the downs and the in-betweens. But I believe it's true what you said about happiness and getting everything we want. Still, I'll risk it! :)I did the Delestrogen shots, antibiotic, steriod and aspiring too. But my progesterone is in suppository form, not the PIO shots. Sorry I don't have advice about about avoiding bruising. Do you pre-ice and post-heat? That may help.So tomorrow I'll be thinking of your little DE's meeting their dudes and making your future baby(ies!). Friday transfer, right?!

  2. glamcookie

    Sending tons of baby dust your way. BFP!

  3. Next in Line

    Oh my gosh. You are doing so well. I agree with you that while the many aspects of fertility issues are really difficult, the emotional part is the hardest. I am very excited for you and those little eggies and inspired by your wisdom right now.

  4. anofferingoflove

    i am thinking of your thawing "eggies" this morning and sending hopes that the icsi results in nice, strong, healthy embryos for you to transfer and freeze. if/ivf/etc is definitely one big, overwhelming mindf*ck. be extra kind & indulgent to yourself this week, you deserve some pampering right now! chanting for you: bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp.bfp!

  5. Pufferfish

    I understand more than a few things you've discussed in this post as this ED option was our last option as well (that I know of).I have high hopes it will work for you and you'll get the baby you've dreamed of.But yes, I also had to remind myself that I could be happy regardless.Somedays I look down at my belly and think, "that was our down payment on a house". So, we will rent but it's all worth it. And someday soon I hope you have similar thoughts.The PIO shots worked best for me with heat–NO ICE. I would heat the pre-filled needle up in a cup of hot water for about a minute, warm, not hot, inject and then massage, massage, rub, rub, rub before putting a heating pad on it for about 5 minutes.Only one bruise the entire 3 months and that was when my friend, who is a nurse, was visiting and gave me the shot. I love her but I would never want her to be my nurse.Good luck.

  6. luckylittle13

    It is definitely the mind game that is the hardest in all of this. I am thinking of your little eggies now and sending them lots of good fertilizing energy.

  7. insertmetaphor

    Happy thaw and ICSI day! I have huge amounts of hope for this cycle, even bordering on certainty. I'm glad, though, that you're feeling like you could find that happiness regardless. The unknown is so much a partner in this journey. It's a gamble to keep going, a gamble to stop and a gamble to assume that we will or won't be happy if we ultimately don't succeed in TTC. I hope so much that, no matter what, you are truly happy in your life.

  8. queerstork

    i hope this brings the result you're looking for. i have no doubts, however, that you'll be able to make a happy life for yourself without baby. can you share the TED link? best to you. xos.

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