Into the rabbit hole

I took a hpt this morning. Eight days past a 3 day transfer seemed like a safe-enough time. It is negative. I cried a little but mostly I got really numb. J did her best to cheer me up. She told me how early it is and that the blood test may show something better. (I admit that I am still holding out some hope for that.) J also said that I need to stay strong and positive for the embryos. But I think that they are either attached and thriving or arrested and gone: I have little faith that my hope or lack thereof will have any effect at this point.

I looked at J and said, “What will we do if this didn’t work?” Her response without a moment’s hesitation, “We will save up and try again.” Truly I never doubt her love for me and that makes me glow inside. But I must wonder, do I just look foolish at this point? I keep trying this and that, tweaking the protocol, trying a different road, thinking outside the box….nothing works. When is it time to stop banging my head against this damn brick wall?

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16 Comments

Filed under donor egg cycle

16 responses to “Into the rabbit hole

  1. tbean

    Oh Cindy. I'm so sorry. But it is still early. 11DPO is VERY early. I'm going to stay hopeful over here. hugs

  2. Next in Line

    Oh sweetie, it is still early and I am holding out hope for you. This is such a difficult journey. xoxoxo

  3. insertmetaphor

    Cindy, I am sad that I'm not reading a joyful post from you this morning. It hurts to see you so sad. I do still have faith that it is too early but I can only imagine how devastating that negative was, regardless. I'm crossing fingers and toes and legs and arms that the blood test will be positive.Lots of love and hugs.xo

  4. luckylittle13

    Oh, Cindy. I really think it is just too early and am holding out hope for you too. Sending you lots of hugs and love.p.s. That J is a keeper.

  5. Pufferfish

    I know you must be so sad right now, but 11DPO is still early and you could get a completely different result tomorrow.I'm so sorry this is such a difficult day for you and yes, a difficult journey.Super Hug.

  6. tireegal68

    Oh Cindy, my heart is heavy with yours. Of course like everyone else I am hoping it's still early, but I feel for you in wondering what is next if by some horrible odds you need to think about a next time. I want to give you hope and be your cheerleader and I am cheering for you, and I am also holding your sorrow too, and sending you a big hug. You are in my thoughts, my friend.

  7. Lizzie

    I'm in the too early camp. And sending love!!!!

  8. Dagny

    I shall hold out hope here for you.xoxoxo

  9. Danielle

    I had a negative at 8DP3DT this past cycle. The BFP came later.There is still hope…D

  10. glamcookie

    Still holding out hope for you. Definitely still early for a HPT. {{{}}}

  11. Victoria

    I feel sad reading your post and the only thing I can do for you is to still cheer you on, hoping that it will work.

  12. Best When Used By

    Please don't give up hope yet. I know we have to hedge our emotions by being prepared for the worst, but I am still holding out hope that you are indeed pregnant. I went back to look at my own blog to see when I tested. It was the afternoon of 7dp3dt and the line was so faint it was impossible to tell. By 8dp3dt it was every so miniscully (if that's a word) more present. And my first beta was higher than average at 194. SO, my point is that you could absolutely, totally and surely be pregnant and the HCG just isn't high enough yet to trigger the damn HPT. Hugs and lots of love to you. And an extra hug for your super supportive wife!

  13. Robbie

    I'm in the "holding out hope for a BFP" camp. My good friend didn't get a BFP until the evening of 13DPO and even then the line was faint. Her beta was avg. She's now 29wks pregnant with twin boys. 🙂

  14. anofferingoflove

    i dont want to believe fate could be so cruel. im camping out with the "it's-too-earlyers" and will be blog stalking for the next update. sending you ((hugs)) and lots of support.

  15. poppycat

    All the hope, love and support in my body is coming your way right now. There is a special place in my head and my heart reserved just for you right now. Wishing for great news from you very soon.xoxo

  16. A

    I'm so sorry you had to see that negative, but it was early and there is nothing wrong with keeping the hope alive. My fingers are still crossed!

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