I took a hpt this morning. Eight days past a 3 day transfer seemed like a safe-enough time. It is negative. I cried a little but mostly I got really numb. J did her best to cheer me up. She told me how early it is and that the blood test may show something better. (I admit that I am still holding out some hope for that.) J also said that I need to stay strong and positive for the embryos. But I think that they are either attached and thriving or arrested and gone: I have little faith that my hope or lack thereof will have any effect at this point.
I looked at J and said, “What will we do if this didn’t work?” Her response without a moment’s hesitation, “We will save up and try again.” Truly I never doubt her love for me and that makes me glow inside. But I must wonder, do I just look foolish at this point? I keep trying this and that, tweaking the protocol, trying a different road, thinking outside the box….nothing works. When is it time to stop banging my head against this damn brick wall?