I sound my barbaric YAWP…

It is over. I am not pregnant.

I went to the RE’s office only to find that my pg test was not covered in the large fee we paid for this cycle. My insurance required that my blood be sent away to another lab which means no answer until tomorrow afternoon. I literally began sobbing in the lab tech’s little cubicle area. I almost felt sorry for the blood lady as she tried in vain to comfort me. I gathered myself and made it to my car. Where I called J and reported the day’s suckage through sobs, sniffs and gasps. She called our GYN who I am convinced is the nicest man in the universe. The GYN agreed to do a bloodtest and give us the results within a 2 hour period. All covered by my insurance thank.you.very.much. Of course the doc came in and said that there is no HCG in my system. He was kind and apologetic. He also wrote me a new script for my anti-depressant.

J and I are so sad, angry and broken that there are no words to express the emotions. We are wrestling with “why” and what to do next. There are no answers in this primal place. But we are open to answers if anyone has some.



Filed under donor egg cycle

29 responses to “I sound my barbaric YAWP…

  1. queerstork

    Painfully unfair. I'm so sorry you're being dealt another BFN. It's tragic and cruel. Hugs to you both.

  2. Mina

    I am so, so sorry Cindy. I really prayed that you would get your BFP, I even mentioned to it to my partner. All I can tell you is that you are in my thoughts, and I wish I could give you a huge hug. Life is so not fair, sometimes…

  3. C.I.W.

    I am sorry…I hope you find clarity…whatever that may be and wherever it may come from. casey

  4. insertmetaphor

    I can feel the weight of this. I'm so sorry this cycle didn't work. I wish I had the key.Sending love, love, lots of love.

  5. luckylittle13

    Oh, Cindy. I am so sorry. My heart is breaking for you and J. Hugs.

  6. Lizzie

    I'm feeling this one very hard, even though it isn't mine. Can't imagine the pain. It's cruel. And utter bullshit. Love you much.

  7. Next in line

    I am so sorry sweeties this is not the cycle.Now is the time to hold each other, crawl under the covers and eat your favorite foods.Basically comfort and love each other. Through this a new plan will come. Xoxoxo

  8. glamcookie

    I'm so sorry. I hate that it's so damned hard. Thinking of you. {{{}}}

  9. Best When Used By

    Cindy…I am so, so sorry. I really thought this was going to work for you. It SHOULD have worked for you. But don't give up hope yet, okay? The fact that your remaining embies didn't make it to freeze makes me think it was a problem with the egg/sperm and not you. So, what next? Well, I see there is a National Embryo Adoption Center in Tennessee. One of the requirements is that you be a married couple. Are you and J leagally married? (sorry, I don't know the laws of Tenn.). If not, my best suggestion is to come out here and do an embryo donation. I'm going to email you more details about it. I know this was a crushing blow and my heart just aches for you. We'll figure something out…now go take care of yourself. Love, T

  10. Pufferfish

    Cindy, I'm so, so sorry. This is the most unfair, cruel process. I wanted this for you so much. I can't imagine what pain you must be feeling. Sending peaceful energy to cover you.

  11. reproducinggenius

    I am so, so sorry. This isn't fair–not in the least. I'm holding you in my thoughts and sending love as you try to figure out what comes next. Many hugs to you and J.

  12. poppycat

    Oh Cindy. My heart is breaking for you. I don't have any answers but I want you to know I am thinking of you and keeping that special place for you in my heart. Let me know if there is anything you need dear one. xo

  13. tireegal68

    Cindy, my dear- I am gutted for you and J. I was lying in bed reading blogs and when I read that you were not pregnant I let out a huge "oh NO" that startled my honey and I told her your story. That is so fucked up I can't even begin to fathom it. I am sending you huge big hugs.And on a practical note I would like to know what your clinic's "success" rate is with the frozen eggies. It sounded like you had the perfect environment for embies. I have to wonder if BWUB is right and it was the quality of the embies. If you find yourselves pondering any kind of plan I also think donor embies might be something to think about. But it's so devastating and cruel and I know planning for more possible heartbreak and debt is so hard.Lots of love to you both.

  14. Dagny

    FUCK.dude, you have no idea how I was hoping for this for you guys.//wipes away tearI'm really really sorry.xoxoxoxoxo

  15. anofferingoflove

    oh cindy, i am absolutely heartbroken to read this news. i had so much hope that this was your cycle. how utterly unfair. i hope you and J are holding one another tight – sending you both big love.

  16. Inlocoparentis

    No, no, no! I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you guys.

  17. tbean

    Oh Cindy. I cannot imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I am so so sorry. I don't know the answers, I wish I did. But I do know that you are stronger than you think you are. You can get through this. The other side is out there. It won't always hurt this much. And the ending that you wish for, it is coming to you. Hugs and love.

  18. Jacques

    Freaking hell I'm so sorry to hear this. Believe me when I tell you that I know how you feel and its crap crap crap. Thinking of you dee x wheresmy2lines.wordpress.com

  19. Victoria

    Thinking of you in this time of pain and sorrow.

  20. NoodleGirl

    I am so, so, so sorry. My husband and I are starting to consider donor eggs and we have seize upon it as our last great hope. If it didn't work, I know it would be incredibly devastating because, for once, the odds would have been in our favor. My heart breaks for you, but with a great partner, I hope you can recover from this and keep trying. You guys sound like you would be great parents and I really hope it happens for you.

  21. Soapchick

    Here from Lost and Found. I'm so sorry for the BFN. My DE cycle in July also failed and my husband and I were devastated….still are. We also don't know what to do next. However I have learned to smile again and focus on other things. If you want to talk – my email is soapchick@comcast.net and my name is Kelly. I am so sorry for the hurt you are experiencing.

  22. Kate

    So sorry- its horrible and it sucks- there is no other word for it.You're in my thoughts.LFCA

  23. Sunny

    Here via LFCA. I am so, so sorry for this BFN. Infertility is so crushing and unfair.

  24. ifcrossroads

    Hi there – I'm also here from LFCA. I'm so incredibly sorry for your BFN. It's like the world comes crashing down all around you and you can't find the light on these kind of days. I hope you and J are able to find comfort in each other during this painful time.Hugs ((hugs)) to you both.

  25. Rachel

    I am so sorry…it's such a sucky place to be and so, so unfair. Take care of yourself.*hugs*

  26. IVF 40+

    I am so sorry. I hope your next step presents itself and you find a moment of relief in all this. Thinking of you.

  27. tireegal68

    sending more hugs to you:)wondering how you are both doing. (HUGS)

  28. thebao

    I am so so sorry to hear this news. It is just too unfair. Please know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of hugs your way. xoxo

  29. Mina

    Just wanted to check in on you, and send more hugs your way. I'm thinking about you, sweetie.

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