Deep breaths

J and I had a consultation with our RE today. First we talked about our failed DE cycle. After every one of these sessions I am left feeling dissatisfied. I want a REASON. I want to know what went wrong. Instead we always we get an answer like, “Well it could have been ___ or it might have been _____.”

Our RE did say that she was surprised that we did not have any embryos left to freeze and she said that with this next cycle, she will try to get us more eggs. Also we agreed that she will choose our donor based upon who has the best eggs. All good things. She also thought it was odd that I keep not getting pregnant when my lining looks good. We talked a bit about J carrying but in the end decided to go with my uterus again.

So I will keep taking the BCPs and will begin Lupron in about a week. Then I will add in Estradiol and Progesterone injections. Same protocol as last time. Tentative transfer date November 19.

I must admit that I am feeling anxious about this cycle. I have no idea where my calm Zen place might be hiding. I am fearful and I have lost confidence in my body. I need a serious infusion of Hope. Any ideas where she might be hiding?

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16 Comments

Filed under do-over DE cycle

16 responses to “Deep breaths

  1. Mina

    I wish that you had a clear reason as to why the last cycle wasn't successful, but I hope that you CAN find that place of zen for this one. I am praying that it turns out right for you, and you get that BFP. Thinking positive thoughts for you, sweetie! xoxo

  2. glamcookie

    Sending all good thoughts your way. Here's hoping the zen finds you. {{{}}}

  3. Malea

    Yep, the same place I pointed you to before:)

  4. Julie

    I'm thinking about you and hoping for you both.

  5. poppycat

    Seriously! Why the hell can't they figure this sh!t out!?! I am so tired of these guessing games. I thought this was science people and I thought those Dr's were trained to figure this out. Insert huge frustrated sigh. I'm putting all my money on this cycle lady. It's gonna happen. Oh, and if you find her, tell her I've been looking for her.

  6. NoodleGirl

    I have no words of wisdom as to where your zen might be, but I'd guess she's partying with the zen of all of us other IF ladies.But wanted to pop up and wish you great luck. I'm hoping to time an ET around the same time as you…

  7. Best When Used By

    The scary thing is the fear that "the same thing" – whatever it was – could go wrong again. And if no one can identify what that "same thing" is, how can you avoid it? Right? Ok, fair enough. Last time though, it seems that part of the "thing" was the quality of the embryos. They didn't make it to freeze. Under the most controlled conditions, they didn't make it. So the GOOD news is that THIS time your doc is going to choose a donor with good eggs. To make good embryos. To put into your good lining. So at least some of the "thing" is being addressed and changed.I hope that by the time you work your way through the meds and November rolls around, you start feeling the presence of Hope. In a natural, intrinsic, at-one-with-the-universe kind of way. And that every little thing feels just right.

  8. tireegal68

    Sending you so many fluffy zen like hopeful thoughts it is getting crowded over there on your hope receptors. The why's and the why's! I wish there were answers. I am so wishing this is the one for you gals. ( hugs)

  9. insertmetaphor

    I truly hate the lack of solid answers about any of this. There is very little they know for sure with fertility medicine.I'm sending my Cindy hope your way – I've got it in spades.

  10. luckylittle13

    With all of the variables that have to be just right, but not knowing which are off, it really is a wonder anyone gets pregnant.At the risk of sounding totally crazy, I had a dream about you the other night. I was standing a couple yards behind you and watching you get the news that you were pregnant. Then I watched you fall to the floor from the shock of it all. So maybe stay sitting after you pee on that stick… I have a very good feeling about this cycle.

  11. thebao

    Sorry you had a frustrating consultation. It's so hard not to just KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON already!I have a feeling that Zen and Hope are off somewhere, making sneaky plans to surprise you by both coming at the same time.xoxo

  12. tbean

    Having no answers is the most difficult part. It's like we're all stuck in some massive existential crisis that is some sort of sick joke. I hope you find your hope again. But I understand why she is hiding.

  13. Bean stalk ballads

    Cindy my heart is with you on this one. I hope I hope that this one goes well and you are so right in that the unknowns make it so damn hard… because if you have tangibles at least you can come to terms with them.thank you so much for commenting on my journey too… you have no idea how much your blog has helped this little rural lesbian not feel so alone. We are all digging for you mate.

  14. anofferingoflove

    hope can be such an elusive sort. im excited to hear about the new plan and the aggressive mentality of your doc to get you as many eggs as possible. sending buckets of positive thoughts and hopes your way. ♥

  15. Melissa G

    Ugh, if you happen to see MY confidence in my body, will you kindly let me know? If I hear that my lining looks "beautiful" one more time, I'm going show my RE the lining of my fist. Okay that's not true. But I know how you feel with the lack of answers when everything supposedly looks so great. Best wishes on your upcoming cycle. I hope time flies between now and November.

  16. tireegal68

    I have hope for you, Cindy! I really do. Hope will find you when she is ready. I wish we knew the reasons so we could fix them. Sending you so much love and hugs!

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