Unquelled yet surrendered

Last week’s E2 level? 320

This week’s E2 level? 308

I pretty much knew I was in trouble when the ultrasound tech congratulated me on my nice thick lining this morning. (It is at 11 at present.) My response, “Uh, this is a suppression check.” Her abashed response, “Oh.” Yeah, I knew that was not a good response since my lining should be thin and my E2 level low.

The nurse called my voice mail this afternoon. She was really apologetic and said that the RE had no explanation for why this is happening. “It just happens sometimes.” Now I am likely to get a period before the transfer and before I start E2 and progesterone. It is pretty much looking like our thaw and transfer will not happen until the week after Thanksgiving. This is the oddest cycle I have ever experienced.

In a weird twist, I am not fretting. My thoughts are that maybe having a different kind of cycle will result in a better outcome. Also I had a bit of a release in my car today. I came to the place where I accepted that I have little to no control in this process. I am not the one who is in charge and I need to stop living and thinking as though I am. I surrendered. Now I am almost watching the process from outside myself which is a relief from the near constant self-doubt I have been living with this cycle.

Now I just need to order more Lupron.

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11 Comments

Filed under do-over DE cycle

11 responses to “Unquelled yet surrendered

  1. Bean stalk ballads

    My wish for you is that you can hold on to that place for the next little while. I for one will be holding on to it for you as well…and sending you peaceful thoughts..

  2. Meredith

    :::bows to the zen master:::As a small oddity, my word verification for this comment is "prege". I think its a sign for you!

  3. Best When Used By

    It always amazed me (in a frustrating way) how docs and nurses at the clinic had no idea where I was in my cycle and I had to give them an update each time. Hello? Anyway, I'm glad you're feeling positive despite the delay. Quiet peace is a place I so often sought and rarely found. I hope you're there, my friend.

  4. anofferingoflove

    sounds like you are lined up for a holiday bfp now! 😀 glad to hear you are feeling at peace with however this cycle unfolds. love the new header – beautiful leaves!!

  5. insertmetaphor

    Your new found perspective sounds amazing! I'm so happy that you found a little bit of peace in the middle of the crazy times. It's a beautiful thing.

  6. Lara (NoodleGirl)

    Those u/s techs, while usually lovely ladies, need to read their charts a little better before the in office chit chat. I learned that the hard way when mine asked me "How many follies are we tracking?" when I went in last December to confirm the lack of heartbeat after my first miscarriage. Um, inappropriate much? READ YOUR CHARTS! It's such a sensitive time, it really is a necessary step.Good for you for staying in a good place. As Gandhi said "As long as you derive inner help and comfort from anything, keep it."

  7. Pufferfish

    Stupid u/s tech. Urgh. I'm glad you've found a place of peace with this. It's good to just take it one day at a time. I know last year I just had to keep reminding myself I had no control over this and the more I tried to control it, the worse the pain was. As we say over here: Let Go and Let God.Whatever God may be to you.

  8. Lizzie

    Who the hell understands this stuff? Good for you from watching from outside, hope you can hold that position. Much love. xoxoxo

  9. thebao

    Wow. I loved reading that you're in such a good and positive place. It's especially amazing in light of your u/s tech experience! Can you bottle that & send some of it my way?

  10. poppycat.wordpress.com

    Hmmm, when you put it that way it seems a lot easier and a lot more reasonable, the surrender I mean. I'm going to have to try a little of that kind of thinking myself. Thanks Cindy. I hope this wacked out cycle ends up being the perfect cycle for your baby to be conceived.

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