Besieged with information

Has anyone ever noticed that the challenges involved with building a family never seem to get any easier? At this point, I am not even complaining: just noticing a pattern. What would it even be like to decide I wanted a child, have a little afternoon delight and end up pregnant? Does that even happen? Do people really get kids that way anymore? I am so immersed in the lands of infertility and lesbi2n reproduction that I have utterly lost sight of how normal people have babies. To me the “old fashioned way” involves donor sp.erm, fertility drugs and at home inseminations. Damaged and slightly jaded.. who me?

But I have digressed from the original intent of this post. I was trying to talk about how very many layers of red tape are involved with potentially adopting Joey’s psuedo relative’s baby. Apparently, we need an attorney in TN and we need to find (and pay for) another attorney for the birth mother (in another state). We also need to find an agency willing to work with same gender couples (done), gather about 6 trees worth of paperwork and have a homestudy. Then the birth mother still has the option to back out at any time (which we knew). Then after the baby is born, we have to stay in that other state until the court gives us permission to return to TN. And, the current laws here require that only one of us can actually adopt the baby. Perhaps later we will be able to find another attorney and judge who will sign off on a “step-parent-type” adoption of the other mother. Not to mention that IVF is actually cheaper than all the costs we are looking at having to pay to adopt. (Of course that assumes that IVF works and we all know my track record in that arena.) Application fees, homestudy fees, 2x the legal fees, post placement visit fees, report fees and of course the general costs of actually preparing for a child. How do people do this?

So my newest task is to investigate potential funding streams. What good is it to be in social work if I can’t occasionally use my skillset for personal gain? Happily some foundations exist that offer help with all the fees associated with adoption. I could go on and on about this area of research but suffice it to say that IF we get approved for a grant, the money will not arrive within the next few weeks. On and on this whirlwind goes and I am having something of a panic attack about the whole thing. So I am trying to remind myself that I am super-thankful that this young woman is even considering giving us her baby boy.

Confession time: I must admit my own folly. I have already started dreaming about “our son.” We have a name picked out and I keep picturing what our curly-haired little man will look like. In my mind, our little bi-racial son will have big brown eyes and will smell like an angel. I can’t seem to help myself so I imagine how it will feel to meet him, look at him and hold him for the first time. Note to self: you know better than to allow your heart to get remotely attached to this idea. I wish I could pretend to be smarter about this adoption idea but the heart wants what it wants.

And on to different matters,

  • still no sign of AF. She now has less than 1 week to show up or our December cycle will be cancelled.
  • my mother used one of those trite phrases that make us all crazy last night. As I was talking about my adoption fears, she actually said. “If God brought you to this, He will bring you through this.” I know she meant well, I do. I don’t think working through these adoption challenges will kill me so I know that I will get through this…..But just once, couldn’t my mom say something like, “I am so sorry hon. How scary for you. What can I do to help?”




Filed under adoption thoughts, do-over DE cycle

16 responses to “Besieged with information

  1. Bean stalk ballads

    Oh Cindy… I hear you…sometimes you want to hear the right thing without having to tell them what the right thing is…and of course you are going to have your dreams of the little one. I am now of the camp that it doesnt make the devastation any easier if you force yourself not to ever dream so just let yourself do it. Thank you so much for your support…

  2. insertmetaphor

    Your first paragraph is spot on. Seriously, I can't begin to imagine that kind of conception. I guess those afternoon delight people struggle with other things in their lives.The adoption stuff sounds totally overwhelming. I hope so, so much with every fiber of my being that it works though.Also send this note to yourself: your heart's attachments are what keep you going and make you a beautiful person. There is no way to stop your heart from loving.

  3. Malea

    I was on the phone with a good friend of 16 yrs this morning telling her the same thing.My life was so less conplicated before someone flipped that babymaking switch in my head. Since it's all I think about and it's exhausting dealing with the health insurance muggers and the fertility clinic muggers. I had all the women on my job brainstorming women's TTC history. Some would figure out the puzzle sometimes before me they had gotten so good. One woman would say "trigger shot,they need to trigger" for every senario.lolI frequently loose my train of thought while in the middle of dealing with clients.Again someones TTC history would pop into my head and I would run over all the previous protocol steps again. This thing will drive you mad I tell ya!Then it's wait for this and wait for that. The only one in a hurry it seems is me:(Cindy there has to be a software program for dealing with and printing all that paperwork. And adoptions kit?

  4. Lara (NoodleGirl)

    It does seem like people don't realize that what we want most is just simple acknowledgement that IF sucks. We don't need your problem-solving (we've already thought of every possible solution) or your prosthelytizing, even with the best of intentions. Just say it sucks and bake us a cupcake.As for getting your hopes up about your (fingers crossed) future little boy, how could you not? It's like looking at a delicious meal while starving and expecting not to drool.Man, I must be hungry or something ;).

  5. Next in Line

    This is a mighty project pulling off adoption paper work and an IVF cycle at the same time. I know you can do it. You have already gotten so much information. I am hoping that you have double success. And yes IF sucks. I don't know how people get pregnant at home having sex.

  6. Meredith

    Poignant post. On the adoption front- does your place of employment/Joey’s place of employment offer adoption assistance? Mine does and it’s around $10K worth. It is after the fact, but between something like that and the tax credit, perhaps taking a short term loan would be possible? Also, is there any chance that the birth mother might be willing to spend the last month of her pregnancy in your state, so that you avoid the cross state legal issues?I’m surprised that you have to use an agency…when I was adopted there were only two lawyers involved and a social worker for a home study. Is the agency required by the state of the potential birth mother? Sorry for all the questions :c(

  7. Malea

    Good questions meredith. I forgot about the adoption assistance programs/

  8. luckylittle13

    I'm so sorry hon. Twice the hope and twice the fear. I'm happy to help in any way I can (used to be an adoption social worker). I'm pretty sure you can start taking the tax credit in the year you incur expenses rather than waiting until it's all finalized. It won't help you in the short term, but a hefty refund in a few months couldn't hurt. Be sure to keep track of milage and travel expenses because those count too.p.s. The fact that children are conceived without the assistance of trained professionals (or maybe prom night or a crack pipe) is beyond comprehension.

  9. Best When Used By

    I've heard people talk about getting pregnant the old fashioned way, there are a few in my office, but even for some of us heteros, it all seems sort of fairy tale. No, Virginia, it doesn't require sex to make a baby, I assure you.Anyway, sorry you had some issues with your mom. I know the feeling. I, too, just for once, would LOVE my mom to say something supportive and understanding.As for the legal junk associated with adoption, yeah, some people must think it's free. "Why not adopt?" they ask. And the response is that it can cost $25,000-$40,000! I hope you work your way through the paperwork and legal (AND financial!) maze. Wish I could be of some help. But what the heck, indulge in your daydreams about your sweet angel-smelling, curly-haired boy. Why not?

  10. tireegal68

    Hi Cindy! I wrote you a long comment yesterday and then lost it! Grrrr. Wow you have a lot to obsess and worry and fret about – especially money! Aargh! I know hrs a lot of Mendy but if you can get the money try to think of it as an investment in a lifetime. Divide it by 18 years of your kids childhoods and it looks a lot more palatable. It still ain't fair though! Good luck with finding funding sources:) Fx big time! Hope AF puts in an appearance! witch! She will be greeted with the red carpet I am sure once she arrives! ( www- that sounds weird!)

  11. tireegal68

    Okay – my I phone is weird and I meant money not Mendy !


    At the conclusion of your first paragraph, I couldn't help but laugh a little laugh of commiseration. I hear ya girl. We have had the same issues as we research adoption. It is so much cheaper to go the IVF route (as long as it works) and after sinking all of our money into IVF, we won't have the resources to even contemplate adoption for a year or two. With all that said though, I think that the adoption is such an amazing opportunity and it seems like a really good bet. I'd love for you to work this out. My employer offers adoption $$ to help cover costs, I think a couple of thousand dollars. Do either of you have anything like that? Have you checked into the federal adoption credit? That's a big one I think. I want that boy for you so badly Cindy and I hope everything falls into place for you, I really do. It's impossible when faced with something like that not to dream and I hope those dreams come true.


    Damn that Meredith is smart! I was just reading the other comments and having the BM come to TN is a great idea!

  14. sarah

    wow, so many things going on all at once. Every baby, adopted or born, is dreamed about by his or her mother. Dreaming about your little boy prepares a place for him in your mind and in your heart. This kind of 'preparation' is as nautural as 'afternoon delight' leading to a baby, but after so many babies who live in our mind have not come to us, even this important step can feel like a psychic betrayl of ourselves. Even thought I got pregnant with donor sperm, and for us tht is like having sex (husband has a balanced translocation), I found myself sad about the loss of our DE baby. Of course we may still do a DE cycle, and with the same donor, but it will never be teh baby that could have been concieved in Dec. If only we had a few gains to cushion our losses.My brother said something similar about god not giving you more than you can handle, and I think I replied that god must think I'm a bulgarian weightlifter!

  15. tbean

    Reading about the legal and logistical issues surrounding your potential adoption just made me want to grab every well-intentioned person who has looked an IF-er in the eye and said: "Well, have you considered adoption?" and slam them over the head with this post. Adoption is NOT the easy route. I don't know what to say except that I send you the strength and the peace to wade through more uncertainty and more risk. Hugs.

  16. reproducinggenius

    Yep, what tbean said. It slays me that it's so damn hard to adopt, that it's so hard in all ways for us to create our families.Still, I think there is something quite beautiful about imagining that future son. You know that child is coming to you in some form, and it helps keep the hope alive when you can imagine him.Sending you all the hope I've got.

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