Kinda random

One of the things my program uses to help children and families identify their feelings is a magnet that says, “Today I am feeling” followed by faces depicting an emotion which is then named. Generally I like to choose Hysterical of Disgusted because the pictures look all googly-eyed and silly but I think if I try to find an honest emotion for today then I choose: Hopeful. Nothing is really going according to plan here and I am okay with that. Seriously, now that I have embraced my lack of control I feel as though I am along for the ride. I am observing my own life with a sense of peaceful detachment and just a little bit of bemusement at the absurdity of all this. So here is the scoop:

  1. Aunt Flo has decided to take a long vacation in the Caribbean. She was scheduled to be here early this week but she has yet to even send a postcard. If she does not come visit tonight or early in the morning then I will not be cycling in December, which is what my gut tells me will be the case. Although I want to cycle, it is nice to remove some pressure from a Christmas BFP or BFN.
  2. I bought some Christmas flotsam yesterday. My plan is to make the guest bathroom look like a holiday snowman farm exploded in there then I will move into other rooms in the house. Last year I avoided real decorations so I may have returned to a happy holiday place.
  3. The adoption front is rather quiet. I have read all the TN adoption statutes, spoken with a lawyer, talked with homestudy agencies, investigated my work reimbursement ($2000) and now I am prepared to wait. While in the midst of trying to figure out how to make adoption happen in a quick timeframe, I was clearly very overwhelmed. But now that I have a grasp on what can happen and how, adoption does not seem anymore intimidating than TTC. If I had to figure out all the ins and outs of ART in a week, I would have also melted down. Even if this adoption opportunity does not pan out, I may be ready to jump into that pool soon.
  4. We found out bio-mom now has 2 jobs. Good for her but potentially bad for us. Who knows? We will talk with her over Thanksgiving and see what her emotional state looks like then.
  5. You ladies are the best! I got so much reassurance and good ideas for how to move forward with this situation if bio-mom agrees. Thank you all for sharing your adoption knowledge and general support. If possible, Joey and I are going to have bio-mom stay with us for a few weeks/month prior to her giving birth which will save us thousands in legal fees and will avoid the dreaded ICPC. Then we will put bio-mom up in a nice hotel for 2 weeks as we wait to finalize paperwork.

My only real life friend who reads this blog (Hi K!) sometimes expresses that she does not want to say the wrong thing to me. I always assure her that she can say ANYTHING to me without me getting offended, and this is true. So I have given some real thought to why I am so annoyed and hurt by trite phrases from other people. For me, I think it is about the other person’s intent. If they are uncomfortable with my pain and want to shut me up quickly (although I rarely talk about this babyless business), my feelings are hurt by the banality of a response intended to shut down my lived experience. If the other person is trying to minimize my experience, I am also angry and annoyed. But if the listener actually listens and cares about my feelings, I can pretty much overlook remarks that are more offensive than the cliches. For instance, I have a friend who decided she wanted to get pregnant and did so on her 1st try. She listens endlessly to me and cares so deeply yet she cannot seem to hear me talk about my stupid old eggs without referencing her own abundant fertility. I know I should be upset with her but she does not intend to be insensitive. So finally this week when we spoke she said her normal thing and I responded, “Okay so when are you having a baby for me to adopt?? I am ready now.” Unsurprisingly she stammered a bit. Let’s hide and see if she mentions her fertility again. (he he)

And that is about it from here, except that I want to take a page from some of you ladies. Last year Olive sent out a little holiday gift to people who sent her their addresses. I though that was so sweet even though I was too shy to send my own address.  So gather round, email me your address if you would like a little holiday cheer from TN… don’t get too excited, I cannot afford anything very large. But I would like to be able to send a little something to all of you who have been so good to me in this past crazy year. (Lurkers and recent joiners are welcome also.)

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9 Comments

Filed under adoption thoughts, do-over DE cycle, holidays

9 responses to “Kinda random

  1. insertmetaphor

    Oh no! You were too shy? Well, send me your address now and I'll put a copy in the mail – better late than never.I'm so glad to read about your hopefulness. In this process it can be so hard to look past the thing that's coming at you next and see the big picture. Your post has a lot of beautiful, peaceful big-pictureness to it and I love it.Stay strong, my friend.

  2. Bean stalk ballads

    Oh Cindy, you are awesome… go the adoption comment, you made me giggle..I love reading your posts… they really resonate with me. Its nice to know I am not the only one who overloaded on christmas decs this year and the only one who is "squeezing in" another cycle if she can.

  3. Lara (NoodleGirl)

    Oooh, presents! You've got mail! ;)I'm so happy for you that your head is wrapping aorund all the balls you have in the air. Your loyal readers (minus me) did, indeed, have some great ideas on the adoption front and it's a fabulous idea to have BM stay in TN with you to avoid the endless hassle. She'd probably enjoy it too. I wasn't sure, though, it's not a definite yet, is it? I hope it is!!I totally understand wanting to avoid cycling over the holidays but I'm glad you're in a Que Sera Sera mood about it. AF is a moody, unpredictable wench so if you can roll with her punches, they don't hurt so bad!

  4. Meredith

    I don't have anything witty or smart to say other than:-I love your bullet-y posts-Its wonderful when we go from the overwhelmed/too much info to digest stage to the organized check list phase-You are super woman for having so much going on at once aka, you rock!-I think I'm going to "thankfully borrow" your Christmas idea

  5. luckylittle13

    I'm happy you feel hopeful and are just rolling with life now. For rolling though, you certainly have gotten a lot accomplished.p.s. I love googly-eyes and I'm totally borrowing the christmas idea as well.

  6. Next in Line

    You are so wise! We have no control in any of this, except of course bathroom decorating. Please post a picture of the bathroom. I really want to see the snowman explosion. Also why the heck did Aunt Flo not take you to the Caribbean with her?

  7. Dee

    Oh my are you actually going to send something to lil' ol me in SA? That would be awesome, what an excellent idea!Im following your adoption story with interest….really really hope all works out for you, you get af and get to cycle this year still aswell!

  8. thebao

    Wow. You are SO on the ball with all the various emerging possibilities in your life. AND you're totally zen about it all. I'm wicked impressed!I do hope you post pictures of your exploded snowball bathroom. Sounds fabulous.Hope AF comes back from her vacation soon. SO inconsiderate!xoxo

  9. tireegal68

    Your comment on my blog was so sweet and made me chuckle! I read it to my DW and she chuckled too! I love that you are so chill and philosophical about all the many balls you are juggling. I think you must be secretly meditating! I aspire to look at my trials and tribulations as an interested and benevolent witness / observer! You are doing great at it! I have no energy for holiday decor this year , though my car radio is tuned to perpetual Xmas music so can I please live vicariously through you? ! (((hugs))))

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