I have been thinking about the word “hope” lately. We all hope that this one is the cycle. We comment to one another that we hope the hpt was wrong, that more follies grow, that the ultrasound will come out for the best, etc etc. Always hoping. I know that what we are really doing is looking for ways to keep ourselves going cycle after cycle and provide support and encouragement to one another. Honestly I am endless grateful to have all the support that this community has offered to me and I think that watching people endlessly root for one another is a moving experience….. But.that.word. is bugging me- “Hope.”

Hope is the wish for something with the expectation of its fulfillment. Hope implies a level trust and confidence that things will eventually end with the result I have been hoping for. I just cannot say that I believe that anymore. I have seen good women turn and walk away from TTC because they could no longer face the hurt that came with monthly (or per cycle) let-downs. I have seen women put themselves into precarious financial situations all because they keep thinking that the next one will be the one that works. I have seen women lose their sense of direction because of the singular focus of TTC. I know. I am living this way too. When I think about all the hopeful cycling, it brings to mind compulsive gamblers— always expecting the big one to be just around the corner. I don’t mean to be a downer and I can’t say that I am particularly sad right now. Perhaps I am simply pissed off at hope. I have been putting myself in her hands time and again and she always lets me down in the family-building arena.

I watched an episode of Friends a few days ago. Chandler and Monica were talking with the pregnant woman whose babies they adopted (prior to their birth). They were asking her about the potential fathers of the baby. One was a high school football star and the other was in prison for killing his father. Chandler’s musing to Monica was something like “Of course the baby’s father is the imprisoned father killer. It’s us.” That pretty much sums up how I am feeling about my chances of having a baby. Of course things won’t go well— It’s us. Joey and Cindy don’t get to have things easy in the baby-making area. And I know that Joey and I are not alone in the seriously frustrated category. A couple of years trying to make a baby while it seems that every teen drug user can get pregnent by heavy petting alone can leave a woman with serius jaded feelings.

So I am thinking that I will remove “hope” from my vocabulary for a while or perhaps I will just save its usage for times when it is appropriate. I will only use “hope” when I really do have a sense of expectation that things will go as I wish/ or others wish.

So here goes: I want to get pregnant and have a baby.
                        I desire for my next donor cycle to work.
                        I wish for a baby.
                        I yearn for my family to grow.

It’s honest and that is pretty much the best I can ask for right now.



Filed under do-over DE cycle

14 responses to “Hope

  1. Best When Used By

    This was a very gritty, gutsy post to write, and it was brave of you to expose your vulnerability like that.I wonder what it is about human nature that assumes the best will happen to others but presumes it won't happen for us? Maybe it's some form of self preservation. Yeah, Hope is a bitch when she settles into your blood, only to flee at her earliest opportunity. I remember month after month thinking "This has GOT to be the month I'll get a BFP, it has GOT to be my turn" only to face another disappointment.I think you're doing just fine. Coping well. Facing reality. Not giving up but staying grounded all the same. And I for one will keep silent hope alive on your behalf.

  2. Eva

    I know how you feel. I'm try to stay hopeful about starting a family through adoption. I tell myself that I'm 'hopeful' that my baby is out there for me along with the perfect birthmother but the reality is that I'm also mad as hell that I'm in this situation!! My frustration is compounded by the fact that so many people are having a hard time with my decision and I want to tell them that Eva doesn't have any more hope in her ttc journey and she is moving on to plan B. And it's okay to give up on hope sometimes. I want them to understand that this is a healthy stop. It's hard to remain hopeful, sometimes it's downright destructive, and when the time is right, we are the ones who need to decide when it's time to give up on hope. It sounds like you are well on your way to figuring out what is right for you. You go girl!

  3. Lara (NoodleGirl)

    Oh, hope, how you taunt us. That cycle of hope – crushing disappointment – hope – crushing disappointment just gets to be so heartless and so very exhausting. I also have a strained relationship with hope. Instead of hope, I'm moving through the motions always claiming to have a Plan B. Once I get through all of my Plan Bs, I don't know what I'll do but it makes me feel a little better to pretend that I don't truly have hope in any given event.You expressed it so well in this post. Maybe putting "hope" on the shelf and trying to more dispassionately running through your checklist will make it easier on you? Yeah, I know, it's a tough road to hoe, but whatever gets you through each day and to the Plan B that finally works for you is OK in my book.

  4. anofferingoflove

    what a beautifully raw post. i am wishing a baby for you too. ((()))

  5. Bean stalk ballads

    Cindy, as per usual you have banged the nail right on the head. Forgive me if I sound out of it (am still recovering from anaesthetic today) but I just had to let you know how I relate… particularly to the gambling analogy.. as one who doesnt even want to spend a dime on gambling, spending 30 grand in the pursuit of a dream is a huge friggin gamble. My hugs to you at this time. thank you for inspiring me (as per usual).

  6. Dagny

    Yep.and yep again.I hate hope. It was hope that made me want to die when a cycle failed. Not the failed cycle, but the huge let down from the hopelikestate.Reality is a bitch, but at least it is reality. though i do see you guys with a little one, I truly do. but I never saw myself with one, guess that's why i gave up.xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

  7. tbean

    Yeah. Hope's a bitch. I find hope dangerous and terrifying. I spend a lot of time trying to kill hope, even though I'm not sure that is the healthiest of approaches. Someone recently compared ttc to an abusive relationship. How apt a metaphor. Hope too. And I guess it's just a matter of how long we can hang in before getting the prize or moving on to the next thing, whatever that thing may be.

  8. poppycat.wordpress.com

    I can't think of anything as true and fitting as what Best When Used By said. I myself have given up on hope too and I have moved on to blind faith. Although I hate all the implications of the word faith, I think blind faith sounds much less "baby dust-y". I don't hope any more, I had to flip the over ride switch on that. I do have that blind faith for both of us though Cindy, I feel like there is no other choice. I choose to believe that this will happen for both of us, someday, someway.

  9. A

    Wow, that was something. Very powerful. I ususally don't have alot of hope. Sometimes in my posts I might say I'm hopeful but really don't mean it. Deep down I think it won't work. This cycle I've said that word a couple times. The difference this time is it's actually true. I am hopeful and I do feel good about that hope. I'm not disagreeing with you that hope can be frustrating. I think every part of this whole process is frustrating, but as you said. We continue to hope for ourselves and eachother so we will actually continue with this process. I mean sometimes I think we all have to be crazy to put ourselves through this everymonth. But hope sometimes makes it all just a little bareable.

  10. Gayby Rabies

    Well said. Hope is such a manipulative mistress. I've spent so much time and money on that bitch and she still won't put out!

  11. Mina

    I wish so much for you to get your wish…This was a beautifully written, honest post. Thank you so much for sharing it with us…

  12. Danielle

    Hope inevitably comes and goes. It's unreliable and moody… but at the same time incredibly loyal. It always is there when you need it most.For now, while Hope takes a back seat I will keep hold on my faith… I have faith that your wildest dreams shall find you and wrap you up in a warmth and love that you won't be able to let go of.I believe in you my friend.D

  13. insertmetaphor

    I really appreciate reading your perspective on this. It's true that having hope each time can really burn you after a while. It's hard to be hopeful when you know it's a little false and your chances are low. I think you describe this conflict and reality really well.Your made me think of the song I think of as my blog community anthem, "Sweet Little Lies" by Michael Franti (you can listen if you google it). It's about how our friends tell us sweet little lies when we can't bear the truth (the hurting ain't gonna hurt no more, the tax man lost his way etc.). He has a line that says, "tell me lies, sweet little lies, and help me make them all come true." I like the message in the song because it describes the same thing I get from blogging – your friends holding you up when you can't hold yourself up alone. People who comment on my post about our 24th try logically know it's not very likely that the try will work (given our track record), but with each try I inevitably get such hopeful, encouraging, comforting support because people are rooting for us and they believe in us. And those little lies, or little bits of hope are what help me have a few days or a week of feeling positive and they're what carries me through the negative. The hope helps me see the beauty of our humanity and helps me believe in myself and what we're doing.I do completely understand how false the hope can feel, though. And maybe what I'm describing is rooted more in denial than hope. But, either way, I haven't given up on hope yet and I haven't stopped hoping for you either. This is not to say that I don't get bitter or angry or pessimistic. But I just can't not have hope. I can't believe in a world where beautiful Cindy and Joey always draw the short end of the stick. I simply can't help myself from having the expectation that your wish will be fulfilled. I don't want to sound like I'm negating your very honest and real feelings, though, so I hope it doesn't come off that way. This is just my disorganized 2 cents, probably in need of some editing!Sending love.

  14. Meredith

    I expect that your heart's needs will be fulfilled.

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