Oh, I wish I had a river

A real scene between my RE and I at my Friday consult;

Mumbling : “Huh, well that’s weird.”

Me, raising up onto elbows now, slightly alarmed: “Did you just say ‘that’s weird’?”

RE: “Well, yeah, I did.”

This is not a conversation I wanted to have as my Reproductive Specialist has the wand buried in my hoo-ha.

TMI alert: The RE then went on to explain (with a pertinent photo display) that she has not seen a lining as thick as mine is. Recall that I did not get suppressed the last time I cycled despite birth control pills and Lup.ron injections. Add to that what I did not share which is that the period after my 40+ day cycle was super light and the result is a lining that has been building up until it looks like a grapefruit is hanging out in my uterus, which I guess explains why I have been so moody and bloaty. So the RE gave me a script for Prover@ and is anticipating that I will have a cleansing of sorts in the next couple of weeks.

Which brings me to the next question some of you may be thinking: why did the RE do an ultrasound during a consult? Ah, yes. That is the money question. Another scene from the office:

RE, looking uncomfortable: “Cindy you have had several cycles, some with really good embryos.”
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Me, catching a clue: “Y-Y-Yes?”

RE: “Have you guys given any thought to Joey being the one who carries?”

A conversation about my mother having endometriosis and me potentially having undetectable endometriosis followed. She then suggested Joey and I give it some thought and almost without thinking, the RE suggested that she check my uterus, “just to see if anything is detectable.”

The answer is that NO with the grapefruit-lining, the RE could not detect anything related to whether I might or might not have endometriosis. She said she was going to spend some more time with my chart and get back to me. It is not a good thing to alarm your RE.

So yet again, I have dashed the hopes of another RE. My first RE said right away that IVF was my only option. I was not savvy then and I listened without question. (poor response followed by miscarriage) Next I had a consult with another RE, she said that she felt a few IUI’s might do the trick. I did not like her or her office so I chose my 2nd RE who also felt that I should be able to get pregnant pretty easily. He suggested IVF simply due to my age and to maximize my chances. He did 2 cycles, saw my response and egg quality issues and suggested donor embryos (2 BFNs). Now move to my newest RE, initially she said that perhaps we should try a few IUIs. I thanked her and talked about my pattern of poor stimulation followed by ever-diminishing egg quality. She agreed that donor eggs or embryos would be a good plan. (Another BFN) Flash forward, now she thinks that not only do I make poor eggs, but I also seem to be a bad incubator.

My head is telling me that my RE is right. We have been giving my body chance after chance to conceive and we still don’t have a baby after well-over 2 years of trying. We have also done 6 IUIs with Joey and she has done many at-home insems (I have stopped blogging about those hail Marys). Clearly, a new plan is called for. But I don’t want to change uteruses. I WANT TO HAVE OUR BABY. ME. I WANT.

I feel so incredibly selfish at this point: selfish and sad. I find that tears are never far away when I give our new plan some thought. I know that moving on to Joey’s uterus is the right thing to do and I will do the right thing and I will learn to get past this feeling. I will. I must. Honestly I am kind of kicking myself for even being sad. Other women would love to have their partner even be a carry option. Other families have to use a surrogate. I am hoping that I will get to a better calmer place soon because it seems that this is my new reality.

My apologies: sorry to be such a downer in the last 2 posts and I am sorry if I have now ruined grapefruit for anyone reading this entry.

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14 Comments

Filed under do-over DE cycle

14 responses to “Oh, I wish I had a river

  1. Eva

    I know how you feel. Moving on is always hard. xo

  2. anofferingoflove

    You aren't selfish (and you haven't ruined grapefruit for me). 😉 it's okay to be sad, switching uteruses is a huge deal. Wishing you peace in however you decide to move forward. (((())))

  3. anofferingoflove

    PS. I'm gonna have "River" stuck in my head for the rest of the day….

  4. Malea

    Cindy if I were sitting right next to you having a wonderful cup of hot cocoa I'd have one simple response."Honey it's a good plan."Xoxo

  5. Bean stalk ballads

    Cindy I never liked grapefruit in the first place :). God those feelings are normal.. I would be devastated if I wasnt to carry. I hope you and Joey are able to come to some kind of place where what ever decision you make is the right one for you..thinking of you.

  6. Lara (NoodleGirl)

    Don't feel bad for grieving the idea of not carrying a baby. It's so totally normal and you've handled this all with so much more grace and humor than 99% of people would. Just because you happen to have a 2nd uterus in the mix doesn't mean that this latest blow don't hurt really, really bad.Did you RE mention doing a hysteroscopy? So much of this IF stuff is not exact science and I'm not convinced that your uterus is out of the game.

  7. Victoria

    Sorry about the news. Do what you feel is right on your own time.

  8. poppycat.wordpress.com

    Oh sweetheart, you aren't selfish at all. We all want this, that's why we are here and none of us is selfish for doing everything within or power to conceive, carry, birth and parent our children. There is nothing selfish about it. I'm so sad you have been faced with this choice. To say it is unfair would be beyond true. I sometimes wish I had the option of Cat's ute but if that were ever really on the table, I don't know how it would affect me. I'd like to say that once I had that beautiful child in my arms I wouldn't care how the hell it got there but I'm not sure that would be the case at all. Sending loads of love as you try to figure this out.

  9. Dagny

    Grapefruit is still fine.((((hugs)))))I can only imagine how shitty it was to hear that.And you aren't selfish.xoxoxoxo

  10. insertmetaphor

    Dear Cindy, I agree with everyone else. You are not selfish at all and it's completely normal to grieve this loss. In fact, I think you're the opposite of selfish. You want so much to care for and nurture your baby from the very beginning – that's a beautiful thing. This is a big deal and a big shift from the last two years and it's ok to think about yourself and your own sadness for a while.Sending love.

  11. Next in Line

    It isn't the same having someone else carry the baby you wanted so much to have.I also want to share with you some of the tender moments I have seen between F and Ziya. F is the one who holds her at night when her little tummy hurts and soothes her until she goes to sleep. F is teaching her about love and comfort that isn't milk. Every afternoon the two of them snuggle up on the couch together for tummy time and nap together. The cat joins in too and they are a bundle of love. When I am feeding her and F walks over and talks her little eyes turn up and gaze and F. Sweetheart it is not the same and that is unfair and terribly sad. I also know you will have very tender loving moments however a baby comes into your life.

  12. tireegal68

    Dear sweet Cindy. You deserve to be a momma the way that you wish it. Believe me, I know how the longing to carry a baby is so visceral. It sounds to me that between the REs you have had, no one has been able to figure out how to fix things or even figure out the issues. It sounds like this RE might be eventually getting a clue. I second the call for more tests to take a really good look at what is going on. And I still love grapefruit! Thinking of you and wishing for a magic wand:)

  13. thebao

    You are so not selfish. I don't know how I would cope with having to switch uteri–it's not just about convenience or whatever–it's about your desires to be pregnant and to bear a child. You are allowed to have those desires.I'll be thinking of you and sending lots of love your way.

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