So this is it.

This is my version of an acceptance post. I have not found my inner Zen. I am not thanking the universe for allowing me to learner deeper lessons of being a potentially uncurable infertile. I have not become wise and more spiritual. But I am still living, still breathing and I can see all the reasons to be thankful for the life I am living. 

I also really really (ad infinitum) want and need Joey to get pregnant. My fear at this point is that she will not. Nothing has worked in 3 years and the place we stand metaphorically is a crossroads. Either this works and we are parents or this does not work and we take some serious time away from TTC, perhaps forever. We have been having conversations about getting serious about adoption either way. And we have been trying to imagine our lives in a way that is not always hinging upon our next attempt, our current attempt, getting over a failed attempt or saving for another try. You know, real life.

This is our watershed moment and I am mostly peaceful about it. At moments I even begin to talk about us having  a baby and how we will manage this or that. Joey gets all weird when I do that. I think she is feeling a great deal of pressure to pinch hit. I know she has done all she can to give me the baby I want in the way I wanted it. And now she must be feeling the weight of another maybe loss or failure so I am trying to begin 2010 with a new sense of expectancy for her. I want her to have a sense of peace so that this next donor cycle does not feel as though she needs to hold her breath from start to finish. Of course I know that she is also worried about how I will feel if this cycle does work and she gets pregnant- meaning I watch her get what I wished for. Poor Joey, I am quite a complicated woman to live with. She needs to fear both failure and success.

So in the end, we stand as we began. We are still very much in love and I suppose that is a pretty fantastic place to begin a year.

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14 Comments

Filed under staring at the fork in the road

14 responses to “So this is it.

  1. Malea

    i hope you both find a place where Joey doesn't have to fear.That in it self can't prevent the ultimate success you both have craved for so many years.Keep communicating with each other and keeping those goblins at bay that destroy so many relationships.Cheers!

  2. Keely

    I can only imagine how you are feeling, but it makes complete sense. You have so much invested in this and of course the emotions are intense. I just hope that your both get the family that you have been searching for, no matter how it comes about.

  3. tireegal68

    I hear you. Last night I lay awake wondering what life would be like without children and it didn't kill me. There is a lot still to hope for you with Joey, but it does seem like an incredibly hard place for both of you. Letting go of the control Is going to help a lot whatever the outcome. I wish you peace in the continuation of your journey. And i wish we could all be full if Zen acceptance but it is not so easy to come by:) PS are you going to use your eggs and her uterus or donor eggs?

  4. anofferingoflove

    The last sentance of this post made me tear up. It's so hard to remember our blessings in the midst of dissapointment/sadness. You and Joey are going to be such incredible, warm, loving mammas, however it is your babies find you. I hate that the path there has been so difficult and not of your chosing. Wishing wonderful things for you both in 2010. ((()))

  5. Eva

    Anyway you slice it, you're in a difficult place and, all things considered, you're handling it well. Good luck with this new leg of the journey. I will be routing for you two and the little one every step of the way.

  6. Best When Used By

    Finding one's inner Zen is never easy, particularly when one anticipates disappointment. My heart is so sad reading your post. I know how badly you wanted to be the one to carry the baby. I'm glad you and Joey have each other and I know you'll find a way to make it work and to help each other through this.

  7. Next in Line

    You two can do this. Is it a complex mix of emotions? Yes absolutely, so keep talking to each other and wrap yourselves up in a warm blanket of love and support.

  8. Dagny

    yeah.I understand.(((((((((HUG))))))))))

  9. Bean stalk ballads

    Cindy.. among these bloggers I feel so connected to you and your journey. I relate so much to your thoughts and where you are and I wish with all my heart that you and Joey were just down the road so we could have a cuppa and just be in this place together. Your dignity and wisdom is inspiring to me. It is so true that you can have so many conflicting feelings all at once.. and like you one of the hardest things is being in this waiting room for so many years while life passes you by. I couldnt write on your post straight away as it resonated so much with me… I had to think about it for a couple of days and come back to it and let you know. Even then stupid pitiful words dont actually do what you wish they could.. but what I do wish for you is peace in this place. Em

  10. tbean

    We are in very similar places right now having very similar conversations. Switching to my wife trying, opening ourselves up to adoption, thinking about life without ttc. These are very hard places to be. Just wanted you to know that even while I'm quiet right now, I'm very much with you and with Joey. Hugs.

  11. C.I.W.

    You are lucky to have a Joey– even if she is fearful… that is why she has you 🙂 Teamwork! 🙂 Hang in there sister, your path will become clear- and your child/ren will be blessed to have you both as moms… no matter how they find you.

  12. Meredith

    I've been sittin here with my fingers on the keyboard attempting to come up with good words- but they aren't coming, so you're going to get silly bullets.As you move from a form of acceptance to Joey trying, have you considered potentially taking state sponsored foster to adopt classes as well (assuming that "single" women can adopt through your system)? I'm just thinking that a dual focus might take some form of stress off Joey and provide both of you with dual visions of what could be? I don't even mean to infer that adoption or fostering will replace any pain or take the place of what you're trying to do- it just might provide an informative distraction…As an aside, having been in a position similar to Joey's as egg donor to my wife- the stress didn't set in until the process was near completion. When I came out of the "egg retrieval" room and they told me that they had only gotten 4 eggs- I cannot express the guilt and fear I experienced. I don't know why I am sharing this with you as deep down you are probably stressed enough- but I guess I just wanted to say that for me it was less fear and more guilt.

  13. insertmetaphor

    Living and breathing and loving is all we can ask for some days. You are going through an incredibly complicated time right now – I can completely understand why you have such mixed emotions.I hope in 2010 the joy outweighs the pain, the beauty the tears and that you and Joey know peace and happiness.

  14. Nicole

    Cindy – Thanks for your blog. My partner and I have been in the midst of this TTC madness for close to 2 years and I'm beginning to feel like I'm losing my mind. I've just started reading blogs by others in the same boat and find yours really inspiring. I fear I may soon be at a similar crossroads as you, facing the same insecurities as what it will mean if I can't, in fact, carry a child. Thank you for sharing your story and for carrying on!

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