If I can’t be pregnant, I’ll be —

Since Joey and I decided to change uteri, she has been the one talking with the RE’s office. It wasn’t a well-thought-out plan, it just happened. So today our super-sweet IVF nurse called me and asked in her most tentative voice if Joey, the doctor and I are “all on the same page.” It did not occur to me to think that the RE’s office would wonder if Joey was sneaking around to cycle without my knowledge. I had a moment when I imagined myself feigning shock and dismay. *Gasp* Yes, my partner is resorting to subterfuge to steal our donor eggs. I assured the nurse that I am, indeed, onboard with Joey being the basket we put our eggs in. Then I had something of an out-of-body experience. I heard myself reassuring the nurse that I feel happy and confident with the new plan. I sounded so calm, composed and wise that I felt as though I was listening to someone else. With Joey and online, I pour out my unattractive emotions. Publicly, I whip out the “everything happens for a reason” persona. I despise sympathy for myself: emotionally guarded, who me?

I had a few people ask about whether we are staying with donor eggs even though we are changing carriers. Yes, for several reasons. 1) Joey’s eggs are an unknown entity. They may be fine but they haven’t worked so well with all the IUIs or at-home attempts. 2) We have already made our peace with using donor eggs. After making that internal shift, we just don’t care about the genesis of our eggs. 3) We have already paid for this cycle. If we switched to traditional IVF, we would have to pay several thousand more dollars.

Incidentally, we are looking at a transfer in the beginning of March.

My out-of-body experience made me think about what characteristics I will take on now that I have had to jettison a part of who I planned to be. Some of my considerations:

  • I will become brooding and mysterious. Problem is that a name like Cindy does not lend itself to “brooding” or “mysterious.” My name is much more often associated with peppy cheerleaders or the Brady family.
  • I will write deep, emotional poetry. However I am not a teenager anymore and frankly, I suck at poetry.
  • I will become disillusioned with life and will speak entirely in pithy, angry phrases. See considerations 1 and 2 for all the reasons this idea just sucks.
  • I will use my free time to pick up a hobby. Ok, but it is hard to translate a hobby into a new reason to live. (Perhaps an overstatement)
  • I will become the ultimate in zen. Within the next year, I will mature to be like the bastard love child of Buddha and Jesus. Problem is that I can never maintain the flashes of zen I see and no one could stand me if I lived in complete enlightenment. Let’s face it, perfect is boring.
  • I will use my free. non-pregnant time to get back into great shape. If I can’t be pregnant, then by gosh I will be HOT again. Good-bye TTC weight. My ass re-joined the gym today. Okay so getting back into shape is hardly original and is less than a profound experience for the soul. But I plan to look damn good when I am toting around our baby. I want strangers to say, “We can’t believe you are a new mother. How did you get your figure back so quickly?”


Filed under staring at the fork in the road

16 responses to “If I can’t be pregnant, I’ll be —

  1. C.I.W.

    I am telling you now that I am using that Buddha Jesus love child line at some point. You and Joey, even though we have never met, spoke or NUTHIN 😉 have been in my thoughts. Good things will happen to you gals…

  2. Best When Used By

    Well, Thea (the last syllable of the name Cynthia, which is what my dad calls his wife, and is quite mysterious sounding), I like that you are feeling creative and looking into the possibilities of who and what to make of yourself as you sit out the role of "oven." AND your sense of humor is obviously intact. I think you are one awesome woman, and you will be one incredible mom.

  3. Bean stalk ballads

    cool. lets be damn hot together.

  4. Lara (NoodleGirl)

    How about changing the spelling of your name to SINdy? That would imply a recklessness and thumbing of your nose to the world!I do the same assuring other people I'm better than I am about IF crap and, honestly, I think it actually helps me get to that better place, even if I'm faking it at first.

  5. Schroedinger

    Hmm, out of body experiences and deep poetry. I think Goth should be taken more seriously as a fashion statement. And you'll rock the torn fishnets with your new hot bod!

  6. Eva

    This is a tough experience and your handling it well. Your list mirrors mine in many regards. I am definitely on a mission to lose all the ttc weight, so far I've lost three pounds with many more to go but it feels good to have some control over my body given my definite lack of control over the last three years while we ttc'd. I love the bit about the doctor thinking your wife was cycling behind your back. That's classic. Good luck with this new phase. I will be cheering you on.

  7. Dagny

    HEHEHEHE!I am using that last one myself.also pride myself on my pristine vajay and perky(ish) boobs. :DThere has to be an upside, right?xoxoxo

  8. Pufferfish

    I've been thinking about you a lot and not commenting too much. You have been through so much and this new turn of events surely takes some time to get used to.I like your new list of who is Cindy! And I agree that the last idea is the most obtainable at this point. Your body is power and taking back that power should make you feel great about yourself–something you deserve.Good luck, I'll be cheering you on!

  9. insertmetaphor

    When I was catching up with someone in NY, I found myself saying the craziest stuff about TTC: that year 2 was actually easier than year 1, that I was learning to cope with the ups and downs better etc. When I finished talking I couldn't believe I had said all that. Yes, I totally get what you're saying. I feel like sometimes I want to protect other people from my ugly emotions. Or sometimes I'm protecting myself from having to feel them while I'm having a nice coffee date with a friend. But, either way, it's weird to hear those words coming from my mouth.I like your new Cindy plan. The other options don't sound much like you. Some nicely toned arms will help you with the baby lifting!

  10. Mina

    I loved this post. You are awesome. Nuff said.

  11. tireegal68

    you one hip cool chic, cindy!i think it's sick and funny that the doctor's office thinks the lesbians are cycling in secret from each other.I admire your courage and your chutzpah!Keep on keepin on:)

  12. anofferingoflove

    Interesting question from your RE. Guess it's good of them to check, but it's kinda funny. Love this post and all the ideas for a new you. My partner loves saying "thank you" with a smile when people compliment her on how great she looks for having a two month old.

  13. Growing up Clangley

    I too thought it rediculous and quite funny that the RE nurse would think that lesbians would sneak around plotting to use eggs without discussion. anywho…great job on joining the gym, i just signed on for boot camp at my gym and have been given some great workouts, if you want them just shout!

  14. Meredith

    Tee hee- the clinic calling you made me giggle.I hearby challenge you to the NGM hot future mama contest.The guidelines: Set three goals, describe why you are setting them, and hold yourself accountable to them in a weekly post.Should you choose to accept this challenge, post to your blog.(and really, you are such a badass!)

  15. thebao

    too, too funny that your RE's office made that call. i'm imagining the "practice" sessions the nurse had with a colleague prior to that, to make sure she said it correctly! ha!you are going to be one hot mama. and how about Cinder? Smoking hot, and mysterious to boot.

  16. Next in Line

    You have to add seriously funny to your list of things. I love the gym plan. Are you going to post photos of your gym bunny bod?

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