My thoughts are a bit scattered of late. I am having trouble creating a cohesive post so please peruse my bulletty thoughts.

  • We are snowed in here at home. I live in TN: I thought snow was an element from my past. I would still go about my life, except that TN snow seems to only come in conjunction with ICE. So, we are piled up in bed with the dogs.
  • Joey and I were talking about her cycle and I asked when she stops taking her birth control pills. Her answer, “In another month.” Me: “wha?” Her: “Yes, I have a whole other pack.” Me: “But you only take a couple more.” Her: “You sure?” Me: “YES!!”  It seems that she was planning to take BCPs all through her entire cycle if I had not asked. The schedule provided by our nurse says that Joey stops BCPs on Monday.
  • I was watching a show where a woman was acting as a surrogate for her sister. All very sweet. Joey came in at the part where the surrogate was in labor and it went badly. The surrogate had to have a csection and had to be completely out while that happened. Joey said, “That looks good. Can I do that? I can just wake up and meet the baby or babies. You’ll be there.” I could not even respond.
  • I am a champ at giving Lupron shots.
  • I had a moment in a store a few days ago. I saw baby shirts that had cutesy comments on them about loving their moms and such. I wanted to buy one. ALOT. I was really and unconsciously optimistic about this cycle. The thought that ran through my head was, “Should I buy one or two of those shirts? If I bought 2 then even if we don’t have twins, the baby has an extra shirt.” Then I stopped short, I felt with great certainty as though Joey will get pregnant with this cycle. While the moment of clear hope was intoxicating, it. terrified. me. I really really want this cycle to work and I am somewhat optimistic or I would not have agreed to try. BUT- the thought of another let-down, another grieving process makes my blood run cold.
  • The gym and I are becoming more close. This week had several things that got in the way of my ability to get in a workout (real reasons like a coworker’s evening funeral, a surprise report and a snowstorm) and I actually missed going. This has to be progress.
  • I also bought a ton of books not related to trying to make a baby and I have been reading them.
  • All the changes in my life and daily routine reminded me of an email I received from one of my best friends years ago after my 7+ year relationship ended. I had asked her what I should do and who I should be when we were in the middle of a teary phone call. Her response was to send an email listing all the things we sometimes forget to do while we are putting our time and energy into being part of a poorly functioning WE. Her prescriptions were simple: do the things that make you who you are. Watch movies only you would want to see. Read books that are meaningful to you. Take long walks. Spend extra time meditating. Buy something pretty. etc etc. I find myself returning to her advice now. I do go to the gym by and for myself. I have bought and am reading a ton of new books. I cook healthy meals either Joey will eat or will not. I rent independent films. I have bought some new jewelry. I spend time completing a loving kindness meditation and I think I am finding myself more at ease with this life.
  • Yes, the sadness about my likely lack of ability to carry does find me at unexpected moments but I am finding ways to banish that melancholy.


Filed under gathering up the pieces, uterus the sequel

13 responses to “Slapdash

  1. wheresmy2lines

    Hi there. I just want you to know that Im hoping and praying that this cycle brings you guys the baby that you wish for. Sounds like you are doing ok and congrats on going to gym!

  2. Malea

    Great news all the way around Cindy:)

  3. Pufferfish

    I am loving this post. Despite the fact that I know you are still struggling with things, overall you should like you are in a really good place.Continue to do things for YOU because it's obviously working! Your list is very, very similar to what I did 'for myself' and it was quite beneficial for me.Best for you.

  4. Schroedinger

    I love that you have this hope as terrifyingh as it is. I love that you are cooking healthy things and going to the gym and buying books not related to ttc. You deserve to be you again and breaking up with ttc will be a process but it was not a healthy relationship. You seem to be getting through it beautifully. Meanwhile, I share your hope that Joey will get pregnant this cycle (just keep double checking those instructions!!)

  5. insertmetaphor

    I'm hopeful for your next cycle too. I'm so glad to hear you're doing good things for yourself. I find that even when I don't feel immediately better, just doing the good-for-me stuff helps. After a while some things start to look sunnier.

  6. Lara (NoodleGirl)

    You are a champ! I really, really hope your feeling of optimism about Joey's cycle is a lovely premonition. And thank Goodness she has you there to project manage her cycle, otherwise, who knows what would be going on with that calendar! ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. anofferingoflove

    it sounds like you are in such a good place right now, i love all the things you are doing to take care of yourself. (and joey! – too funny!!) we are having a snowed-in-but-really-shouldnt-be day also. i love how the whole city shuts down for 3 inches! ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Best When Used By

    I'm so glad you are finding things to do to re-connect with your inner Cindy. Keep pampering her! In the mean time, you are also taking good care of Joey, and I'm sure she appreciates it. I hope your gut optimism about this cycle is on target and that soon you will be gleefully shopping for cute baby shirts. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. tireegal68

    Wow – I'm relieved that you are so on top of the medications! That was a close call.I'm happy that you are getting with the exercise and Cindy is fab program – it sounds healing and energizing.

  10. Nicole

    If this cycle doesn't work out for us then you are going to be my inspiration for self-care! I know I'll need a break from all of this but worry that if I don't have the energy for TTC I won't have it for anything else. But then I'll just re-read this post of yours ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. reproducinggenius

    I'm so glad to read that you are doing things for yourself. I have often found that a similar practice brings me back to center. I am hoping all the best for this cycle.

  12. Meredith

    Heh- Joey's comments regarding BCP's sound just like Janet's. When it comes to mourning, grief, and the management thereof, itโ€™s amazing the parallels, regardless of the actual subject.I'm so very glad that things are once again moving forward.


    Lots of good stuff woman. It bodes well for what's coming down the road I think and it sounds like you are going to be in the perfect place personally when your baby makes its way into this world. I have agood feeling about this.Take the rough stuff day by day darling and keep up the good stuff for you.

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