My thoughts are a bit scattered of late. I am having trouble creating a cohesive post so please peruse my bulletty thoughts.
- We are snowed in here at home. I live in TN: I thought snow was an element from my past. I would still go about my life, except that TN snow seems to only come in conjunction with ICE. So, we are piled up in bed with the dogs.
- Joey and I were talking about her cycle and I asked when she stops taking her birth control pills. Her answer, “In another month.” Me: “wha?” Her: “Yes, I have a whole other pack.” Me: “But you only take a couple more.” Her: “You sure?” Me: “YES!!” It seems that she was planning to take BCPs all through her entire cycle if I had not asked. The schedule provided by our nurse says that Joey stops BCPs on Monday.
- I was watching a show where a woman was acting as a surrogate for her sister. All very sweet. Joey came in at the part where the surrogate was in labor and it went badly. The surrogate had to have a csection and had to be completely out while that happened. Joey said, “That looks good. Can I do that? I can just wake up and meet the baby or babies. You’ll be there.” I could not even respond.
- I am a champ at giving Lupron shots.
- I had a moment in a store a few days ago. I saw baby shirts that had cutesy comments on them about loving their moms and such. I wanted to buy one. ALOT. I was really and unconsciously optimistic about this cycle. The thought that ran through my head was, “Should I buy one or two of those shirts? If I bought 2 then even if we don’t have twins, the baby has an extra shirt.” Then I stopped short, I felt with great certainty as though Joey will get pregnant with this cycle. While the moment of clear hope was intoxicating, it. terrified. me. I really really want this cycle to work and I am somewhat optimistic or I would not have agreed to try. BUT- the thought of another let-down, another grieving process makes my blood run cold.
- The gym and I are becoming more close. This week had several things that got in the way of my ability to get in a workout (real reasons like a coworker’s evening funeral, a surprise report and a snowstorm) and I actually missed going. This has to be progress.
- I also bought a ton of books not related to trying to make a baby and I have been reading them.
- All the changes in my life and daily routine reminded me of an email I received from one of my best friends years ago after my 7+ year relationship ended. I had asked her what I should do and who I should be when we were in the middle of a teary phone call. Her response was to send an email listing all the things we sometimes forget to do while we are putting our time and energy into being part of a poorly functioning WE. Her prescriptions were simple: do the things that make you who you are. Watch movies only you would want to see. Read books that are meaningful to you. Take long walks. Spend extra time meditating. Buy something pretty. etc etc. I find myself returning to her advice now. I do go to the gym by and for myself. I have bought and am reading a ton of new books. I cook healthy meals either Joey will eat or will not. I rent independent films. I have bought some new jewelry. I spend time completing a loving kindness meditation and I think I am finding myself more at ease with this life.
- Yes, the sadness about my likely lack of ability to carry does find me at unexpected moments but I am finding ways to banish that melancholy.