Getting a “life swirlie” and other adventures

I love Zen stories. When I am going through a thing, I can usually find a story with a depth of meaning to help pull me though. The current story I am sitting with follows.

An old man accidentally fell into river rapids leading to a high and dangerous waterfall. Onlookers feared for his life. Miraculously, he came out alive and unharmed downstream at the bottom of the falls. People asked him how he managed to survive. He said, “I accommodated myself to the water, not the water to me. Without thinking I allowed myself to be shaped by it. Plunging in with the swirl, I came out with the swirl. This is how I survived.”

I am meditating. My task is that I am accommodating myself to my infertility rather than trying to do it the other way round– which was killing me and my relationship. The new way is ever so much easier (and also harder). Isn’t it amazing how naming a thing really does give us power? (thank you for those words Olive!)

Yesterday was Joey’s ultrasound, bloodwork and mock embryo transfer. Yesterday was also my 2nd pants-on doctor visit in the hand-holding chair. Bloodwork was great (E2 was 20). Ultrasound was fabulous (thin lining and no cysts). Mock embryo transfer was horrific! The nurse was down in the curtain-covered area with the speculum and the tiny flexible pipette. I was near Joey’s head. The nurse tried the transfer. No go. Then she re-adjusted the speculum and tried again. No go. This pattern went on for several minutes. I watched Joey get more and more uncomfortable and the nurse get more and more frustrated. I think they both forgot to breath because when I told Joey to take a deep, calming breath, they both did it! The nurse then called for a “green kit” and an RN came running into the room with what appeared to be Medieval torture devices.

Implement after implement was attempted. Joey looked more and more pale and uncomfortable. Finally our RE was called for help. She tried a new speculum and the pipette slid home without any more fuss. WHEW! I hated being in the pants-on section for a new reason. I am a champ with pain. Joey manages pain. I would much rather be the one hurting than to see her that way. This is hard! My heart broke just a little bit.

TMI alert: apparently Joey’s *airport* is more of a small regional carrier than a hanger that can accept large international flights. 😉 How will she ever give birth? The good news is that she is now fully suppressed and we are all set for this cycle to continue.

Tonight will be the first time I give Joey a big shot in her bum. Wish us both luck. I may post a big bruise picture tomorrow.



Filed under do-over DE cycle, whole new you

16 responses to “Getting a “life swirlie” and other adventures

  1. I like your story and your mindset. I’m still meditating so I’ll do it along with you. Do you do silent or do you use cds/exercises?

    I’m sorry Joey’s transfer was so horrible – yikes! I know what you mean about preferring to be in pain yourself than to watch your partner go through it. Hopefully they’ve got their technique down now and it will all go swimmingly on the day that counts.

  2. ps – isn’t wordpress the best? I’m glad you’re switching!

  3. This sent me crying… just as much as the last post did.

    I envy you– having a Joey. And, I know, I have a Mic– but the grass is always greener, right? Communication, excitement, samepage-ness. I am one that needs to be told.. THIS IS WHAT WE ARE DOING AND I AM REALLY ON BOARD WITH THIS about every 12.75 minutes… my Mic doesn’t understand this, frustration ensues.

    You have a Joey to go through it with — when your chips were down, she came through… all shiny and new… new experiences, new role for you… but the two of you will get through it just fine.. and soon you will be just as a mom as she will be.

  4. Also- tell us what is so wonderful about wordpress. I need to know these things!!! Though, I will do my research — I don’t want to have another episode like my Twitter one..

  5. reproducinggenius

    That transfer story is downright scary! I’m glad it worked out, but geesh! Hopefully they’ve got things squared away for the big event.

    And welcome to WordPress! I can’t say enough great things about it.

  6. Hey. Sorry the mock transfer was so prolonged and painful. Hopefully now they know exactly what catheter to use so the actual transfer goes far more smoothly. I like WP too, btw.

  7. I’ve switched you over on my blogroll.

    Hopefully the real deal goes smoother.

  8. Poor Joey on ouchy mock transfer, Kudos to you for helping her through it! And for relocating your zen center.

    Good grief though….don’t let that nurse do the real transfer! She’ll f*** it up for sure.

  9. dee

    That zen story is so apt! Best of luck for this cycle, you have no idea how much Im rooting for you!

    Oh and welcome to wordpress! Its much easier to comment on wordpress blogs if you have a wordpress blog, as Im sure blogger is the same, only thing I hate is having to comment on a blogger blog as then I have to always type in all my details again. Sorry this was a long explanation of blog stuff 🙂

  10. I’m so glad Joey’s b/w and lining look great. But, ugh, I’m so sorry the mock transfer was so tough. I’m trying to picture my DH being the one to have to go through all these IF hoops (minus the impossible parts) and I’m so glad it was me that had to do 99% of it. Like you and Joey, I’m the one that is good with pain + has been driving this whole IF train, where more and more appts and shots and everything else hasnot slowed me down. DH would not have been nearly as “full steam ahead” both because of any pain (physical and emotional) but also just the drive to get to the finish line.

    Joey is really lucky to have you there, a veteran who understands everything she’s going to need to do. In alot of ways, she can relax and still let you do all the driving, which is such a huge part of this process.

  11. S.

    ugh, sorry to hear about joey’s difficult time with the mock transfer. mine was similar, such torture! i too am more of a small regional airport type of girl – ive found asking them to use a smaller sized speculum makes a difference.

    welcome to wordpress!!

  12. Popping in late to say that I wish you all the luck in the world and all my good thoughts. Hope things continue to go well and that the mock transfer was the worst of it (at least we know they do the rehearsal for a reason).

    Thank you for sharing the Zen story. I love it. I’ve found that’s the best way to get through Big Bad Things … like grief and other “badness” (tough to label it, but we’ll call it that). There is a koan that says something like, “The right way is easy and the easy way is right. When you are easy, then you know you are right. When you are right, you are easy.” I always use that to remind myself not to fight pain when it cannot be avoided and the only way out is through. The trick for me is recognizing when to surrender. Whenever I do, though, I find things tend to lighten up quick. Quicker than I thought possible. So I relate very well to what you are saying.

    PS. Do you read Mind Body Mama? If not, you might check her out. Just a hunch you might like her. Just thought of her post from today when I read this (different but in the same big picture territory)

  13. alimis

    Welcome to wordpress…just love it!
    Best of luck with this cycle. I will be rooting for you all.

  14. I love the airport analogy!!!! Too funny!
    Did they do the mock transfer with a half full bladder? that is supposed to help ( I know i wrote about that after both my transfers and it’s a difficult thing to guage) .
    They sound a bit clueless – I hope it goes better next time. You would think they would have so much experience that it would be a breeze. Glad you are getting into more of a zen place and holding J’s hand when she needs it.

  15. poppycat

    I am so damn excited for this cycle! Poor Joey and her basement. I have a really hard time getting the pipetts in too. This is what always works for mine, maybe it will help Joey too… I make my hands into fists while I am in the stirrups and them place my fists hehind my back in the small of my back. It works everytime for me (although still difficult but not impossible) and it might work for her. We had to do it at my transfer and almost all of my IUI’s.

    Your doing a great job as hand holder/ass jabber!

  16. Ugh, poor Joey! As a fellow small regional carrier, I can only imagine what that must have been like. I hope the RE does it from the get-go when the actual time comes, so the experience can be as pain-free for you both as possible.
    Love the honeysuckle photo, btw!

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