I have been feeling pretty optimistic about this cycle. I have given myself permission to dream and to….yes, hope that Joey will get pregnant. Joey and I have gotten far past the disagreeable phase we were having and are back to our normal, super-connected selves. Good stuff all.
Then my subconscious self decided to play her wicked games. I have been having the most vivid, odd dreams of late. I haven’t given these dreams too much consideration and I suppose that made my Id annoyed *No one puts Baby in the corner* after all. Last night’s dream definitely amped up the disturbing factor of my nighttime musings.
Here is the content: Joey and I were invited to dinner at the home of a woman who was my closest friend for several years. (She and I are not close anymore after I moved. She is terrible at phone calls and emotional conversations which puts a damper on maintaining a connection.) So my old pal is a few years older than us and was looking fantastic. We had a very nice evening and our friendship was like it used to be. I always miss her so the dream had a lovely, warm, home-coming feel to it. Then mid-dream as we finished dinner, she looked up and said, “I have an announcement to make. I’m pregnant.” She beamed happily and I broke out sobbing as I congratulated her. I then realized that I was not pregnant and that Joey and I weren’t having a baby. I finished the evening with that sense of empty longing that so often plagues me. I was relieved to wake up and find that we have not yet cycled and that we have not gotten another BFN. It was the sort of dream that made me not want to go back to sleep yet I also did not want to stay awake and dwell on that painful yearning.
So I know that beneath my hope and positive thoughts, my fear lies coiled and ready to strike. How I wish I could find my youthful optimism again.
In other news, Joey had bloodwork and an ultrasound yesterday. Everything is looking fantastic for this cycle. Lining = trilayer. E2 = 900. Thaw still planned for March 3. Tentative transfer should be March 8.