Thwarted by my unconscious

An appropriate OutlandI have been feeling pretty optimistic about this cycle. I have given myself permission to dream and to….yes, hope that Joey will get pregnant. Joey and I have gotten far past the disagreeable phase we were having and are back to our normal, super-connected selves. Good stuff all.

Then my subconscious self decided to play her wicked games. I have been having the most vivid, odd dreams of late. I haven’t given these dreams too much consideration and I suppose that made my Id annoyed *No one puts Baby in the corner* after all.  Last night’s dream definitely amped up the disturbing factor of my nighttime musings.

Here is the content: Joey and I were invited to dinner at the home of a woman who was my closest friend for several years. (She and I are not close anymore after I moved. She is terrible at phone calls and emotional conversations which puts a damper on maintaining a connection.) So my old pal is a few years older than us and was looking fantastic. We had a very nice evening and our friendship was like it used to be. I always miss her so the dream had a lovely, warm, home-coming feel to it.  Then mid-dream as we finished dinner, she looked up and said, “I have an announcement to make. I’m pregnant.” She beamed happily and I broke out sobbing as I congratulated her. I then realized that I was not pregnant and that Joey and I weren’t having a baby. I finished the evening with that sense of empty longing that so often plagues me. I was relieved to wake up and find that we have not yet cycled and that we have not gotten another BFN. It was the sort of dream that made me not want to go back to sleep yet I also did not want to stay awake and dwell on that painful yearning.

So I know that beneath my hope and positive thoughts, my fear lies coiled and ready to strike. How I wish I could find my youthful optimism again.

In other news, Joey had bloodwork and an ultrasound yesterday. Everything is looking fantastic for this cycle. Lining = trilayer. E2 = 900. Thaw still planned for March 3. Tentative transfer should be March 8.



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12 responses to “Thwarted by my unconscious

  1. I knew you were moving over here…I’m sorry I lost track of you for the last few posts! But you are firmly in my google reader now. Love the new look!

    Dreams can give us great insight sometimes. Ok, so you have coiled-up fears. Don’t we all? That doesn’t mean you have to go poke it, piss it off and force it to bite you. I guess I’m just trying to say it’s okay to have lurking fears. You and Joey are going to be just fine, and she’s going to have a fantastic transfer and you’ll be able to leave that fear all by its lonesome self in the grass as you celebrate a BFP. At least that is my hope, wish and prayer for you.

    And, BTW, even after I was quite pregnant, I recoiled at learning that a former classmate of mine was about to give birth to her first baby. Call it infertile knee-jerk reaction.

  2. Claire

    Wow – I felt like I was at the dinner party with you and I just wanted to slap her!
    Your subconscious is certainly very clear about it’s concerns:)
    Things sound great with Joey – wombwise and love wise. Holy moly- how much e2 is she taking or is that all
    her own? Sounding very promising! Are you putting back two? That’s my vote! Sending hugs:)

  3. What an awful dream! I know what you mean about not wanting to go back to sleep. Ugh, what if the same dream had continued on? Anyway, just wanted to wish you good luck for this cycle. Thanks for visiting my blog and writing the lovely comment you did. It really helped me.

  4. I’m sorry you had such a bad dream. I hope and pray that this cycle is it for you both! I wish you so much luck, sweetie! I’m glad things are looking great for Joey, and that you both have gotten back to your normal selves.

  5. Yeah…I so know that feeling. You think you are plugging along in a good place and then BAM a dream like that knocks you on your ass. IF is so pernicious that way.

    Nightmare aside, I’m glad you are starting to feel like you are in a stronger place. Hugs and love.

  6. S.

    sounds like joey’s body is responding perfectly. i am full of optimisim *for* you! so excited the transfer is so close already!!

  7. I’m sorry about your dream! I always have crazy dreams when I’m stressed.

    I’m so excited to hear that Joey’s response is perfect so far. I’ll be waiting with baited breath for updates over the next few weeks!

  8. Great cartoon.

    I’m sorry your subconscious was playing evil tricks on you. You’d think there’d be some sort of evolutionary reason for all dreams to be good ones. Like, duh, you already know that you have fears–no need for your subconscious to remind you!

    On the other hand, I loved reading about Joey’s nice thick juicy lining and estrogen. I’m so excited for you, you little penguin pair.

  9. poppycat

    You just reminded me of the dreams that plagued me during my IVF cycle. In them, i would be handed a gorgeous baby, an older baby – asian, african american, caucasian – and i would fall in love instantly with it as it looked up at me, swaddled in my arms. Then some woman would always come and say “ok, that’s enough visiting, you have to give the baby to his/her parents now”. Then she would take the baby and give it to one of my long lost friends, friends who don’t even want kids, and I would be left empty and heartbroken. I would be left wondering why them and not me when I wanted it so much more than they did. I dreamed this or something very similar through the whole cycle. So painful and sad. It made me very aware of how fragile my hope and optimism really was and I understand how it makes you feel.

    I hope you are able to use that dream space as a place to work out those fears and keep your waking hours full of hope. I tried to power through each day without allowing room in my head for doubt but it really always was there. Hence the dreams I suppose.

    I have a really good feeling about this Cindy. I really do. I’m sending all my best everyday to you and Joey. So far things sound perfect and I have faith it will continue that way for the next 9 -10 months.

  10. Wow, your dream sounds intense. I hate when my subconscious makes me go through those kind of emotions unnecessarily.

    I’m thrilled that you and Joey are in synch again, that everything is looking good for her cycle and and you’re feeling hopeful. I have a great feeling about this cycle.

  11. Eva

    Wow. I’ve had dreams like that too; they can be so real and they are totally understandable. I also have friendships like the one you describe. Why can’t everything be the way we want it to be? It’s so unfair. Well, the good news is, there is still plently of time to have a dream with a happy ending and for that dream to come true. I’m routing for you. xo

  12. Cindy, just checking up on you and Joey. I know today was supposed to be the big thaw day, I hope you get absolutely fabulous news!

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