You again?!

It seems that infertility has found me again. No matter how happy I am after this donor cycle, no matter how highly we anticipate a BFP— infertility and its emotional scars are always lurking in the wings, ready to remind me that happiness is fleeting and cannot be trusted.

Today was a tough day for Joey and I separately for work-related reasons. Nothing pressing, just day-to-day stresses. After I came home, I had to make more work calls. As I did so, I saw Joey rifling through the medications and making calls to insurance and the pharmacy. She was ordering medications. As soon as my call was over, I flew into the kitchen to ask what she was doing. She said that she was ordering more Estradiol since I had not. Anger White-hot fury flew through my entire being. Through clenched teeth, I tried to calmly explain that we have no need for more meds. But we have so little Estradiol she explained. I showed her how we have far more than we will need…. yada yada yada…. A small thing yet SO. emotionally.charged. I got angry. She got angry. She was infringing upon my territory and it hurt my heart— For her, a simple fear that we will run out of a needed medication leading to the logical step of getting a refill (and her normal tendency to be over-active without doing the homework). For me, another indication that Joey feels the need to take over another part of getting pregnant- that I cannot be trusted in this area.

We had a short spat followed by returning to our respective work tasks. An hour later, Joey found me and apologized for hurting my feelings. I apologized for over-reacting. We have been very nice to one another ever since. We are watching that singing show and each are on laptops. We are being ever so nice. We are oh-so cautiously avoiding talking about the elephant in our living room tonight. The ghost of infertility is here. This spirit has been created by my sadness at having to move on with the babymaking by a different route than my body. This ghost is not the angel in the house– much more poltergeist-like really. But we are steadfastly ignoring this spirit, no matter how the dishes rattle and the floors groan under our heavy hearts. We are carrying on as though we don’t carry all this painful baggage because we must. We must keep taking each breath and living each moment and taking one step at a time. What else is there to do really? If I could have had the babies I would. And how many partners would have indulged my need through 4 IVF attempts? We have both done all we can, and so we just let the lingering hurts sit– because we must.

*Even as I write this, I am fearful, so fearful. I worry that some cosmic spirit will hear my kvetching and will be angered. It feels as though I should JUST be grateful that I have a partner willing and able to carry a baby for me, for us. I worry that my endless sadness over my chronically empty uterus will make this DE cycle end as all the others before. I worry that all this crazy emotion will be all for naught. The interest rate on all this trouble I am borrowing is inflated beyond any ability I have to pay.

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15 Comments

Filed under DE cycle

15 responses to “You again?!

  1. I don’t understand why she doesn’t trust you since you’ve already did the dance before handling the responsibility for it all?

    The more efficient way would be to divide the task between you according to whose the best at each one. And each person handle “their” business.

    Cindy i’m sorry the fear/stress has brought doubt into the picture. The time joey forgot to take a med when she was suppose to rattled me something fierce. I can only imagine what it does to you.

  2. Next in line

    Dam infertility. It just doesn’t go away. I am so sorry. Your emotions will not make or break this cycle. We have so little control in this process. Keep going girls. You can do this. The tww is the worst. Watching tv with laptops is a great way to spend time together while the dust settles.

  3. Claire

    It’s so frickin hard! I’m so sorry. Maybe when the elephant has shrunk a little you can have a conversation about what this means and why it hurts. I know when I am hurt or feeling out of control or scared to death I can get so very angry and push my DP away instead of showing my fragile vulnerability and sorrow. This cycle has just got to be the one. Sending hugs((()))

  4. Eff infertility. All I can say is you know many of us feel your pain and understand. I hope so hard this is the cycle for the two of you. {{{}}}

  5. p

    Stresses of infertility overtakes and overwelms us. It makes us become people we never thought we would be. The hurt is one of great sorrow and takes a long time to heal. Hang in there. Postitive things are coming your way.

  6. i wish i could say that the evil IF demons depart after your bfp, but i cant. its such a powerful thing that affects us to the core – your reaction feels totally understandable. sending love and strength to you both as you navigate forward. ((()))

  7. Ugh, that is just so. awful. You have a strong enough relationship to get through this, but IF has left you with such wounds…the hurt keeps coming. I really hope this is the cycle for you, and that you will start to heal together. Hugs.

  8. You are a strong, brave woman. I know, know, know, know that I could not handle it if my partner were trying now instead of us having moved to adoption. Don’t punish yourself for “over-reacting” to her taking charge of the meds when you wanted/needed that role. This is tough stuff. Love you.

  9. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this very understandable stress. You didn’t over-react and Joey didn’t do anything wrong, you’re both just trying to get through these weeks in your own way. No cosmic spirit will be coming to get you and no, you don’t have to feel obligated to be grateful for anything in this IF mess. We’re all pulling for you so hard, I so hope this cycle brings you happiness.

  10. Oh Cindy. How tough.
    You know, there is just no equivalent in the world for a lesbian relationship in which one partner is unable to carry so the other partner tries to. (Except, I guess, surrogacy where it’s like your sister or cousin or something carrying for you. And even then, they aren’t your intimate partner.) Knowing how you feel about carrying and then watching your bravery and strength as you allow Joey to step in…it is just positively heroic. It is epic. I mean, other women, if they are unable to carry, do not have to watch their husbands do it for them.
    As Lizzie said, I don’t know if or how I could find the strength to watch S. carry if my dreams of pregnancy have ended. Just thinking about it overwhelms me. And yet–I know how much we would like to have a child. And to have the experience in our lives of a pregnancy and a birth, and I know that if I had to, I would find SOME way to walk that path. But it scares me. I think of how much friend’s pregnancies hurt right now and I cannot imagine feeling that jealousy or hatred or envy towards my wife. I think it would take buckets of conversation and tears and strength.

    So, I’m in awe of you and what you are trying to do for your family. And I’m glad you write about it honestly and share it with us.

    Love to you. And ps: No thoughts you have will effect the outcome of this wait.

  11. Oh dear, I really don’t know what words to say. Just know you are both in my thoughts…

  12. How could you not be jelous and fragile? (((((hugs)))))

  13. poppycat

    I still can’t escape it either. From shock that the babies are still alive in there every time I go for an ultrasound, to utter anger and bitterness that another blogger (who I really enjoy reading but never comment on) got pregnant with her 2nd after just one or two tries, it’s still there. Even with two growing in my belly I am still plagued by saddness, fear & bitterness. All i can hope for both of us is that it fades and fades until we hardly remember the scar is there.

    I would have totally done the same thing were I in your situation and I would have been so angry that after I had been through it all, she didn’t trust my expert knowledge. That’s just the way I work and I probably would have fumed about it for days, wrong as I would have been to do so. I commend you for apologizing and making nice.

    Those vials are so deceiving, even when they look nearly empty, they still last forever.

  14. reproducinggenius

    IF is a nasty poltergeist indeed, and I’m so sorry it’s lurking about your home. This is so unimaginably hard. As tbean said, though, you’re so strong for doing what you need to do to have your babies. Your fragility and pain as a result of it don’t make you any less courageous. Sending hugs and love.

  15. Ugh, I am so, so sorry that you’ve got this unwanted poltergeist hovering over you. You are so amazingly strong, and it’s impossible that you could get through this very, very hard thing WITHOUT it affecting you and your relationship. As you’ve said before, you and Joey have a rock-solid foundation, both individually and together as a couple. Getting through these difficult moments together just reinforces that rock. I’m thinking of you. xoxo

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