I really do not want to become one of those women who finally have a baby on the way and then move on to complaining about new topics. So please realize that even as I write today’s post which I admit is quite a rant, I am still approaching Joey’s pregnancy with a large sense of awe and gratitude. Of course at the same time, it is still an odd and surreal thought that we will have a baby (or 2) before Thanksgiving.
Now to the rant: I am absolutely infuriated with my mother at present! My phone decided to call my mom on my way to work so I took that as an omen that we should chat. I am now torn on whether I am glad I talked with her or not. She was talking about when she would tell my father’s extended family and then she moved onto how she will tell them. To be honest, this is not an area I had given any thought to since all my grandparents are gone.
Background: I love my dad’s side of the family but they are just generally stuffy. We don’t share many of the same beliefs and I pretty much don’t care what they think of me (though I do love my aunts who are patient and lovely women to stay with my dad’s brothers). I have been bringing a woman with me to family functions on and off for the past 17 years so I am pretty sure that no one is shocked by my sexuality although we don’t really talk about it. Being gay in the south can be so complicated! Also I have a female cousin on my dad’s side that sooooo looks gay and also brings a woman to functions. We all know the score so I just planned to bring Joey along and talk about “our” children. Period. The family could catch on or not. And I do plan to share the news with my face.book cousins which should actually be pretty fun.
What my mom said: she started talking about how I will be adopting the baby Joey is carrying. I agreed and said, “Yes, as a second parent adoption.” She skimmed over this fact and said that Joey was just being something like a surrogate for me. I said, “Sort of Mom, but Joey and I are raising these babies together as a family.” I began speaking more slowly and in a punctuated way as though I was speaking with someone with English as a second language… I guess I was in a way. I am asking my mother to speak a language she is unprepared for: I need her to have the ability to “come out.” I have been gay for years and my parents know that. They are even supportive — in private. But dammit- these are my kids and Joey’s kids — equally! And I refuse to be quiet about my family just to make my mom and dad feel more comfortable. I refuse to pretend that “my roommate” is acting as my “surrogate” and that I am “adopting her baby.” We are raising children together. The extended family– and my parents– will have to learn to love the idea or miss out on some wonderful children. Grrrr. Freakin’ surrogate!! As if?!
So now I am left with the question of how to tell the extended family, because I want my story told correctly. I have no desire to tell each family member on the phone. Do you think a nice letter will be okay? Seriously, I am open to ideas here. And please, try to be gentle about my mom. I love her but I kinda feel the need to create her in voodoo doll format at present.
***Update*** After reading the comments so far, calming considerably and deciding to just talk directly with my mom about how upset I was about the “surrogate” comment, my mom actually called me. She called to share some other non-medicinal m/s remedies she thought of. It seems that she had been thinking about Joey all day and was concerned about her. Talk about taking the wind out of my sails! So we talked about that and I thanked her. Then I said something like I understood from our earlier conversation that she felt a bit uncomfortable talking with the family about Joey and I “being pregnant.” I offered to call all of them and/or send pg announcements. Then she said that she really doesn’t feel stressed about telling the family and she thinks they will understand and be excited. Holy shit, I think she was just working it out in her own head in our earlier conversation and when I made it clear that Joey and I want to share our news from a “family” perspective, she heard me. This just never happens with my mom. She tends to mean well and yet be terribly insensitive at the same time. She even said that she wants to tell them and she is terribly excited about the u/s on Monday…. what??? Then she said something about how grateful she feels to Joey for letting me get this close to having a pregnancy because she knows that Joey would have been just as happy adopting starting 2+ years ago.
I.am. dumbstruck. Oh, and I totally plan to use all the pg announcement ideas!
And on to a happier thought: I am posting a poll for fun. How many babies are in the oven? Our ultrasound is Monday and we are beyond excited. Of course this brings up lots thoughts and feelings but that will have to wait for another post because my agency would really like me to do more work right now. 🙂