Ultrasound #2

Today’s post is brought to you by the word, “Released.” In fact, release has been the theme for the entire week.

Release from:

RE– Joey had an ultrasound this morning. Both babies are showing another 7 days worth of growth with heartbeats of 139 and 147. She still has a clot “in there” but it is a bit smaller and well-positioned. In our consultation with the RE, she assured us that all is well and then she released us from her practice unless something goes wrong (which she does not expect). I was surprised that we would not have another ultrasound in a week but the doctor assured us that there is no need. The babies are beginning to look like honest to goodness babies. On the ultrasound, we could see the tiny oversized heads and smaller sections that will be tummies we kiss before the end of the year. They are each about the size of a blueberry and I am amazed at the love I have for them already.

Anxiety– Today was very close to the time when I had my 1st ultrasound when pregnant. At this point, the baby had a much slower heartbeat and was not the size we expected. This comparison releases me somewhat from worry. It is nice to know that the babies are on track.

Nausea– My poor dear has been experiencing unending morning sickness. She always always feels terrible and lately has found little relief despite all the myriad of homeopathic remedies we have tried. She now has a bottle of Zo.fran she is clutching to her heart as though it were made of gold.

The house– While I love our home, I get so tired of being cooped up inside during the winter months. This week the weather has turned warm and sunny. I have tended the yard and the flowerbeds. This weekend I plan to till a garden spot, albeit closer to the house than last year as I will be primarily on my own with that task. I have bought a ton of tomatoes, squash, okra, cantaloupe, watermelon and yellow peppers, and I am so excited to get my little plants into the ground.

Regret–  My relief from regret has come as quite a shock to me. Several people online and in my everyday life have asked about how I am faring with my new pants-on role as the non-gestational mother. The complete truth is that I have experienced a few moments of irritation with my excessive number of repeating tasks for the next 7 + months. I also had a few moments of bitterness sitting on a stool in my kitchen the very night we announced our BFP on the blog. The idea that I finally had a BFP was beyond exciting yet also made me feel a touch like an imposter since it was not technically mine. I sat quietly before bed and cried some self-pitying tears that I am not the pregnant partner and I railed a bit at the universe for giving me a dream it had no intention to fulfill. But then I sucked it up, washed my face and chided myself for being such an unmitigated ass. It seems such a pity to grieve at all with the positive pee sticks practically still drying in the bathroom.

Since the early days of the pregnancy, my new role has become increasingly easier until this week when I had the grand Ah-ha moment. First of all, I have been reading the still trying to conceive blogs with new eyes.  The constant attempts, the worry, the hope, the fear, the exhaustion, the frustration, my never-ending internal mantra of “please, please, please….” repeated during each tww, the crushing disappointment, the grieving, the pulling back together to try again and again: I do not think that I now possess the strength to continue that process. Three years is enough and I am glad to be free from the cycle. Someday, I may choose to have my endometriosis surgically addressed and I may decide to have one of our frozen embryos transferred to me. But I may not and that is a level of release I am surprised to experience. To be honest, I wish I would have changed roles sooner.

And the ah-ha moment: I went to a local department store to buy my dear some shirts. She needs some loose-fitting tops as her belly is uncomfortably tight in her own shirts. I want her to feel pretty and I want her to stop using my clothes as “fat shirts.” (Really, it hurts me feelings a bit.) Point being that I leisurely looked at baby clothes and imagined what we will need. Then without a moment’s hesitation, I walked into the maternity section and chose several shirts for Joey. I would pick up some things I thought were cute then would think, “No this is more me than Joey.” So I would choose something more plain and soft. As I was leaving the section, I realized that my heart had been surprisingly quiet during the entire shopping experience. No pangs… no wistfulness… no ache. I was shocked! I thought, “If I would have known how much better I would feel, I would have transferred baby-making responsibilities to Joey ages ago.” I left the parking lot singing with a sense of easy freedom I thought I forgot how to feel.

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19 Comments

Filed under the p word, twins, whole new you

19 responses to “Ultrasound #2

  1. What a wonderful post. You brought tears to my eyes, I’m so happy for you and the peace you’ve found. I can tell you that our baby boy is no more mine than my wife’s. He is totally and completely ours together. Congratulations on your babies.

  2. This whole post fills me with so much joy (except the part about you crying). Congratulations on all that releasing – it must feel amazing!

  3. Sooo happy to read all this. Congratulations on your fabulous blueberries! What a wondeful place to be.

  4. So so so happy for you! I’m so glad you’re feeling happy and at peace. Don’t give a second thought to those occasional feelings of regret. You spent 3 years desperately trying to be the pregnant one, it’s not easy to let that go, that image of yourself with the big belly. But as you see your baby’s and honey grow and once you hold those blueberries in your arms, regret will be the furthest thing from your mind. 🙂

  5. This is great! It’s very inspirational to hear you come to this place after such a long and hard journey. I’m so happy that you’re at this place and able to enjoy all the wonderful times that will come to you and Joey in the next several months (hell, years!) Remember to cut yourself some slack if it’s not always easy. You totally deserve it.

  6. what do we have to do to get some ultrasound pictures around here?! are you gonna make us beg?! 😉

    (’cause i will)

    i am so happy to hear your babies are both growing and thriving, what wonderful news!

    it was heartbreaking to read about your sadness as the congratulatory comments came rolling in. of course that bfp was *yours*, every bit as much as it was joey’s. im glad you have been able to address those feelings and start to enjoy life as an expectant mama! ♥ ♥ isn’t it wild to pass through a baby section and not feel a kick to the gut?!

  7. Cindy, this post is just about the best thing I have read all week. You sound positively radiant. And so happy. And so at peace. You are such an inspiration. I’m so happy for all the good news and even more happy for how good you are feeling.

    And I’m going to add to the begging for the u/s pics of your babies. YOUR babies. You are getting babies? OMG–can you stand it?!!!!

  8. I love each and every single thing about this post. I am so happy for you.

  9. Claire

    You’re awesome! It’s all been said but I’ll say again – you are awesome! What a beautiful post. I felt as if u were with you at the kitchen table, in the baby department and maternity section, digging in your garden.
    I’m so happy about your twins! How many weeks now? I love that they are sized by fruit. I have a lime apparently!
    Relief is palpable in your writing. Thank you for telling us!
    And er…. Pics…. Of course! Pretty please!

  10. I’m so happy to read this. It’s such a difficult thing usually to switch uterii, and you have handled it with grace and maturity, most likely helped by the fact that the TTC stress is currently over for you after so long. What a wonderful relief! And now you can focus on your wife and those beautiful babies headed your way.

  11. You are a grace-filled woman.

  12. Such a touchingly beautiful post. Congratulations on those strong blueberries!

  13. Yet another beautiful post from one my my favorite (ass kicking) soon to be moms. There is peace in your equal part of this process.

  14. So, so glad to read that you’re feeling at peace with your new role as non-gestational mom, and that you’re getting release/relief in so many other areas as well. What a wonderful post.

  15. Twins?????

    *bounces off ceiling*

    I’m so happy.

    Love to all 4 of you…omg, I got to say that to you!!!!!!

    xoxoo

  16. It makes me so happy to know you have found peace, and even happiness, in your pants-on mom role. You mentioned looking at ttc blogs with new eyes. You’ll begin to notice too that you will feel real joy and even relief when you read that a long time ttc blog sister finally gets pregnant. It’s like, when you finally get pregnant, you want everyone else to experience the same joy.

    Not only to I applaud your ability to accomplish so much release, but also to recognize it and acknowledge it. 🙂

    And it IS time to get gardening again, isn’t it?

  17. CJ

    I’m so glad things are going so well!!

  18. poppycat

    Graduating from the RE!?! Hooray! That is a great feeling isn’t it? Although, it was a bit scary to know there wouldn’t be weekly ultrasounds any more and the wait between OB appointments seems like an eternity at first.

    Cindy, I’m really happy to hear that you have been relieved of the hell of ttc. I have worried for you, worried about how you would manage the roll change and feelings involved with her pregnancy. Having never experienced it myself, I imagined it could go a couple of ways a) jelousy, regret, anger and sadness underneath the happiness of having children or b) a washing clean of burdens too heavy for one person to carry and a new found peace and joy. I know there will probably be moments where you experience the full range of emotion but I’m very happy to see you experiencing the peace and joy that you are so deserving of. I really am thrilled for you and your family. All seems a little more right in the world now that your babes are on the way.

  19. em

    Cindy… as usual my subscription to your site isnt working with the result I usually come and “find you” and catch up on your news. This post was special and touching. I am so glad your journey is panning out as less painless than you hoped and has so much joy coming…

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