I’ll take “Guilt” for 500 please. Now with a side of belly shot

Ok, I admit it. These babies aren’t even born yet and I am a bad parent.

As I stood in the ultrasound room, Baby B (ever easy to scan) gave up his gender in the blink of an eye. I gasped out a “Yay! it’s a boy Joey!” And I meant it. I was excited to have our picture perfect family with 1 son and 1 daughter. Finally something went according to MY plans. *And God laughed at my folly.*

Then we went to look at our “daughter” Baby A, except that Baby A was not being helpful. First my little yogi sat cross-legged, then he alternated feet in front of the area in question and finally he put a hand in front of the area like soccer players like to do. The tech had Joey roll this way and that and pressed on her belly endlessly. And finally, we saw our second twin BOY. In that moment I could feel Joey’s eyes on my face and my face going into crisis management mode where I paste on an “all-is-well” smile. I feel bad about it but my heart did sink a bit… not because I don’t want boys.

I think the feelings that coursed through me were about having yet another re-arranged expectation. I had a private session of asking the universe why nothing in the TTC dept ever goes as I like and why I ALWAYS have to make the lemonade. And then I chose not to think those thoughts. They weren’t helpful and they made me feel dirty. In fact I still feel guilty about that long hour’s worth of disappointment. I am beyond grateful that the babies are healthy.

I do like the idea of our boys. I am good at boy-games and of course these are MY guys. And the important news from the scan: everything looks great. The boys should weigh about 3.5 oz and they weigh 5 oz! Both boys were a couple days ahead in development. Both had strong, rapid little heartbeats: I could see their little four-chambered hearts on the monitor. And the really cool part, I could see their brains. Literally, we could see the lobes of their infant, in-utero brains. The real anatomy scan happens early next month and that will be fun.

16 weeks and 6 days

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15 Comments

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15 responses to “I’ll take “Guilt” for 500 please. Now with a side of belly shot

  1. The wisest thing I’ve heard about the feelings that come up when learning the sex of a baby is: that *whatever* and whenever you learn will feel for a moment disappointing, because until you know the sex, you’ve had in your head (at least) two full versions of the child, being born and growing up and going through life as a boy or a girl. And in the moment that you find out the sex, one of those versions poofs out of existence, so naturally you’re sad and have to mourn a bit at seeing it go.

    (It seems to me that having twins to think about only makes this more complicated, since there are 3 possibilities.)

    So of course you were disappointed. You suddenly lost the vision of the future you’d been building in your head. That the one that replaces it is also good doesn’t mean it’s easy to lose that one.

  2. CJ

    You are human. And you are a parent. I can’t even begin to explain how complicated and varied that makes emotions! Congrats on your two little guys!!

  3. The sex of our future baby is dramatically less important to us than when we started ttc, but we still do want a girl first. We just do. And a big part of why we want to find out the sex is so we can adjust early if need be and not have to process the news on the baby’s birthday. Don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a boy – absolutely love it – as I’m sure you love having two boys on the way. But it’s just another example of rearranging expectations, letting go of the idea of control and, once again, processing a new reality – that stuff is inevitably a little challenging. That is to say, I totally understand why you reacted that way and you shouldn’t feel bad!

  4. One of the hardest lessons to learn is that you can’t pick your children. That sounds mean, but we all have ideas of the kind of kid(s) we want…whether it be a boy or girl (or both!), a cuddler, an independent child, a sports fan, an artist, etc etc. But you get what you get, and you will love them all the same. Feel free to mourn what you don’t get, and also celebrate what you do 🙂

  5. Movie Girl

    Dont feel bad at all. You are being honest about your feelings and now working to process them. We havent started TTC’ing yet but already we really want a girl. If it turns out it’s a boy, I will be happy after I get over the loss of my dream baby girl. That may sound harsh but it’s the truth.You are entitled to feel however you choose and no one has the right to judge you for it.

  6. Do NOT feel guilty! What you are feeling is perfectly normal. You are going to be a GREAT momma!

    I really wanted Birdie to be a girl (even though I never admitted that aloud to anyone, for fear it would be a boy!) I know I would have been dissapointed for a while, had our gender scan revealed boy parts (probably for much longer than the hour it took you to rebound from the surprise). I think everyone has those expectations or dreams of what they want, even if they dont readily talk about it.

    Congrats on such a perfect, healthy scan — sounds like both babes are doing fantastically!

  7. I’m a bad parent, too, because twin girls was my least favorite possible combination. But now, as I posted recently, I wouldn’t have it any other way! We were both hoping for one of each — one of each seems like the IVF golden ticket. But now I realize it’s a tricky (and expensive) combination — my aunt’s b/g twins even wore different brands of diapers because one worked better for boys; wouldn’t that be a pain?! — and b/g twins are also reported to have less bonding than any other combination of identical or fraternal twins.

    It takes quite a bit of adjusting expectations, but soon they’ll be here and it’ll be better than you could ever have imagined.

  8. poppycat

    looking good Joey!

    It’s perfectly normal to have feelings of disappointment as you adjust to a dream that is different than the one you have been playing in your head for the past what, like 25 years?

    I know that for me, I’ve always wanted a girl and assumed I’d have one. I know if we were having two boys I would experience the same kind of adjustment, not because I was having two boys, but because I would’t be having the girl I envisioned.

    I know you love those boys more than anything and I know you are going to be the best mom for them. I also know that someday very soon you will look back and be so glad you have two boys.

    And, like Strawberry said, our kids are going to be different than we dreamed in so many ways and they will be perfect just the same. That is hard for me to remember sometimes but good to be reminded of. Cindy, remind me of that again later down the road when i need it, will you?

    Besides, what’s more hillarious than a lesbian being able to brag she’s got two penis’s in her at once!

    Congrats on your perfect and healthy babies!

  9. Amy

    Sigh. I feel the same way. With my daughter, I was dead set on a boy. It took me a few days to come around, I was actually upset. Now…I LOVE having a girl and really wanted these twins to be girls. But. 2 boys.

    It’s like the universe said FINE, we will let you get pregnant again. But you’ll have to do IVF, and we’re giving you the twins you desperately wanted to avoid, and then you’ll get OHSS, and then have torsion and surgery, and then previa and bleeding, AND it’s boys…and what can I really say, but “thanks for granting my wish”?

  10. Amy

    I hope that didn’t come out wrong. I was trying to express that I find it’s difficult to deal with minor disappointments when I feel like I should be kissing the ass of the universe constantly for letting me conceive (and have a healthy pregnancy) at all. I am so, so grateful for what I have…

  11. Next in line

    I really thought I was having a boy up until she was born. I knew I would feel disappointed what ever I had because until the baby was born I could take turns dreaming about both. I think gender roller coaster emotions are part of having a baby.

    You are going to be a great mama to these two boys! Nice belly Joey!

  12. We’ve had our girl’s name picked out for years, but not a boy name. I do want a girl.

    I’m sure you’ll be thinking 2 boys are absolutely perfect and you couldn’t have imagined yourself with anything else soon enough. 🙂

  13. A friend of mine had a baby last year, she had it in her head, and was entirely convinced that she had a boy on board (despite the fact she’d always wanted a girl) … they bought neutral clothing before bab was born, but when a beautiful little girl arrived, she had to ditch everything ‘neutral’ she’d bought, because she couldn’t see them as anything but boys clothes … and quickly think up a girls name!

    Parental guilt is inbuilt (so my father tells me, I don’t have any myself) … try and give yourself another couple of months guilt free, before they arrive. M 🙂

  14. tbean

    First off, that bump you ladies have there, is just adorable. Second…please don’t feel bad for having any range of emotions about the gender scan. On the most basic level (disappointed or not) you were caught off guard and surprised…since the intelligender whatever thingy totally led you astray. And shock, in ttc-land and elsewhere, is rarely welcome.

  15. reproducinggenius

    I’ll echo what others have said and say that no matter what, there seems to be a little element of disappointment no matter what. I know my wife was incredibly shocked to learn we were having a boy. I know there was a twinge of disappointment for me too–and at the same time, I knew I would be disappointed not to have a boy too. Funny.

    I subscribe to the theory that those of us (lesbians/smbc) who have boys are we’re meant to help raise a new sort of male for our next generation. There’s a great book I recommend to any lesbian boy-mom-to-be called [i]Raising Boys Without Men: How Maverick Moms Are Creating the Next Generation of Exceptional Men[/i] by Peggy Drexler. It’s a discussion of a small study she did with some lesbian and single moms. J and I found it incredibly inspiring. We also like [i]It’s A Boy[/i] by Michael Thompson and Theresa Barker (more of a developmental look at boys from birth-18). Both of these got J and I really excited about raising a boy, which is why I tend to pass these titles along. What an adventure you and Joey have ahead of you!

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