As you may recall from my last real post, life took a turn for the chaotic. I was feeling very overwhelmed with the enormity of raising our little beings and all the constant tasks involved with said raising. To quote from The Birdcage: “I (felt)l like I’m riding a psychotic horse through a burning stable.” I got to a place where I really needed some peace. Joey and I had a long talk about what we could do to make life more streamlined and manageable. We made tough decisions and now I am seeing life in more grey tones rather than black and white. No, my house is still not tidy and no, we still cannot muster the energy for sex. But hey, life is better now.
1) Perspective: Aiden had his surgery which was a smashing success. He was such a trooper! We were housed on the mylo-suppression floor of the children’s hospital (read: cancer floor) so it was hard to feel too sorry for ourselves. A mom cannot feel too bad walking to see her healthy baby when she is met by the bright shining smile of a little girl with no hair bowling in the hallway. Yes, I said a prayer of thanks. My gratitude at having healthy babies cannot be measured.
2) Letting go: So we aren’t breastfeeding anymore. I know, I know. Breast is best and we are terrible awful mothers. But we had to make a decision that allowed us to have some rest as we care for our boys. Here was our routine: feed boys with bottle (as they never latched), hold boys up for reflux, change boys, perhaps a bathroom or drink break for the mom, put baby into swing or carrier and begin to pump. Immediately upon hearing the pumps start, our boys would cry. So we sat and pumped next to whatever we had the babies sitting/laying in. then we pumped and soothed as best we could. This is not a helpful way to get your milk to let down! Repeat pattern in 2-3 hour shifts. Not to mention that it was really hard for me to take enough and long enough breaks during my workday to pump. Also Joey would only get about 3 oz per pumping; whereas I would get 2 oz followed by half an ounce. The constant failure was untenable. Please do not send hate mail or leave nasty comments about this. Our children are on formula and they are thriving.
3) Standing up: Our pediatrician was not responsive about the reflux our boys were experiencing. We talked about it every visit and she was taking a “wait and see” approach. After a night of pain-filled screaming from Aiden, I called the office to *ahem” “request” medicine. The nurse offered me an appointment. I said I had no need to pay yet another co-pay to discuss the same issue I have talked with the doctor about every visit (pretty much 1 weekly). Through clenched teeth, I again asserted that I …..just…needed… a….prescription…..called in TODAY. I think I frightened the nice lady because we did get a prescription for zantac that day. It helped….a little. Then when we had Aiden’s follow up appointment after surgery, we ended up with a different doctor who was actually helpful about the reflux. She gave us better meds and some actual helpful suggestions. Blessed relief!! Now my poor baby is not spitting up half of what he eats and screaming with his whole body stiff from pain. A mom cannot watch that happen and keep sane.
4) Help: We have finally hired a nanny who will come to our home 3 days per week to take care of the boys so that Joey and I can work. I will work from home on Mondays and Joey will work from home on Fridays. We are beyond excited. Our nanny is experienced and oh so kind. Of course paying her will hurt—shudder. But she is worth every penny. You have no idea how many crazy people are out there wanting to keep children: people I would never let be responsible for my pets! Some favorites: the woman who talked about getting laid off from her job for most of the interview so now she is “trying childcare.” When asked her about how she felt about letting babies cry, her answer was something to the effect of—- “it’s good for them.” My other bad favorite lives by the town dump and offered to keep the boys in her home with her own child too……. For $35 per week total! Now I am all about a good deal but this bargain basement pricing frightened me. Seriously, $11.67 per day? 5.83 per child per day?
5) Success: We are expert cloth diaper-ers. We love it and it saves us so much money. The boys are quite happy in their CDs and they are vocal about needing a change. We have tried several kinds. We have favorites. I plan a longer post on this later.
6) Medication: We are both on our “happy pills” again. I hate that I need them but I do. I am better and nicer on meds.
7) Reveling: We came to the conclusion that these are precious days we will likely never repeat with other children. We made a decision to enjoy every moment. Our boys are lovely little humans. They are already 12 weeks old! Seth smiles almost all the time. He is rarely fussy. He will tolerate being held by numerous family members. He is happy being left in a swing. He loves to make eye-contact with his mamas and he busts out with what is nearing a laugh. He has gorgeous blue eyes that are sure to break hearts some day. Aiden is living up to the meaning of his name: little fire. He refuses to be put down most of the time. He cries most evenings for what appears to be no good reason. He is easily over-stimulated and he loves his Mamas! He snuggles so close and listens intently to singing and talking. He smiles the best little smiles and he adores bath time.
Truly, being a twin mom is not for the faint of heart. But oh, the lessons we are learning.