ch-ch-ch-changes

As you may recall from my last real post, life took a turn for the chaotic. I was feeling very overwhelmed with the enormity of raising our little beings and all the constant tasks involved with said raising. To quote from The Birdcage: “I (felt)l like I’m riding a psychotic horse through a burning stable.”  I got to a place where I really needed some peace. Joey and I had a long talk about what we could do to make life more streamlined and manageable. We made tough decisions and now I am seeing life in more grey tones rather than black and white. No, my house is still not tidy and no, we still cannot muster the energy for sex. But hey, life is better now.

What happened:

1)      Perspective: Aiden had his surgery which was a smashing success. He was such a trooper! We were housed on the mylo-suppression floor of the children’s hospital (read: cancer floor) so it was hard to feel too sorry for ourselves. A mom cannot feel too bad walking to see her healthy baby when she is met by the bright shining smile of a little girl with no hair bowling in the hallway. Yes, I said a prayer of thanks. My gratitude at having healthy babies cannot be measured.

2)      Letting go: So we aren’t breastfeeding anymore. I know, I know. Breast is best and we are terrible awful mothers. But we had to make a decision that allowed us to have some rest as we care for our boys. Here was our routine: feed boys with bottle (as they never latched), hold boys up for reflux, change boys, perhaps a bathroom or drink break for the mom, put baby into swing or carrier and begin to pump. Immediately upon hearing the pumps start, our boys would cry. So we sat and pumped next to whatever we had the babies sitting/laying in. then we pumped and soothed as best we could. This is not a helpful way to get your milk to let down! Repeat pattern in 2-3 hour shifts. Not to mention that it was really hard for me to take enough and long enough breaks during my workday to pump. Also Joey would only get about 3 oz per pumping; whereas I would get 2 oz followed by half an ounce. The constant failure was untenable. Please do not send hate mail or leave nasty comments about this. Our children are on formula and they are thriving.

3)      Standing up: Our pediatrician was not responsive about the reflux our boys were experiencing. We talked about it every visit and she was taking a “wait and see” approach. After a night of pain-filled screaming from Aiden, I called the office to *ahem” “request” medicine. The nurse offered me an appointment. I said I had no need to pay yet another co-pay to discuss the same issue I have talked with the doctor about every visit (pretty much 1 weekly). Through clenched teeth, I again asserted that I …..just…needed… a….prescription…..called in TODAY. I think I frightened the nice lady because we did get a prescription for zantac that day. It helped….a little. Then when we had Aiden’s follow up appointment after surgery, we ended up with a different doctor who was actually helpful about the reflux. She gave us better meds and some actual helpful suggestions. Blessed relief!! Now my poor baby is not spitting up half of what he eats and screaming with his whole body stiff from pain. A mom cannot watch that happen and keep sane.

4)      Help: We have finally hired a nanny who will come to our home 3 days per week to take care of the boys so that Joey and I can work. I will work from home on Mondays and Joey will work from home on Fridays. We are beyond excited. Our nanny is experienced and oh so kind. Of course paying her will hurt—shudder. But she is worth every penny. You have no idea how many crazy people are out there wanting to keep children: people I would never let be responsible for my pets! Some favorites: the woman who talked about getting laid off from her job for most of the interview so now she is “trying childcare.” When asked her about how she felt about letting babies cry, her answer was something to the effect of—- “it’s good for them.” My other bad favorite lives by the town dump and offered to keep the boys in her home with her own child too……. For $35 per week total!  Now I am all about a good deal but this bargain basement pricing frightened me. Seriously, $11.67 per day? 5.83 per child per day?

5)      Success: We are expert cloth diaper-ers. We love it and it saves us so much money. The boys are quite happy in their CDs and they are vocal about needing a change. We have tried several kinds. We have favorites. I plan a longer post on this later.

6)      Medication: We are both on our “happy pills” again. I hate that I need them but I do. I am better and nicer on meds.

7)      Reveling: We came to the conclusion that these are precious days we will likely never repeat with other children. We made a decision to enjoy every moment. Our boys are lovely little humans. They are already 12 weeks old! Seth smiles almost all the time. He is rarely fussy. He will tolerate being held by numerous family members. He is happy being left in a swing. He loves to make eye-contact with his mamas and he busts out with what is nearing a laugh. He has gorgeous blue eyes that are sure to break hearts some day. Aiden is living up to the meaning of his name: little fire. He refuses to be put down most of the time. He cries most evenings for what appears to be no good reason. He is easily over-stimulated and he loves his Mamas! He snuggles so close and listens intently to singing and talking. He smiles the best little smiles and he adores bath time.

Truly, being a twin mom is not for the faint of heart. But oh, the lessons we are learning.

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Ornament swap

Thank you to the ladies of “The Belly” for getting all crafty with these cutie hat ornaments!! They are so cute and they inspired me to add a few other ornaments to my tree… I feel like a mini Martha Stewart today. I might even cook dinner!

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Light in this tunnel

Or “My life without sleep”

I want to start by saying that we are still so very in love with our boys; heart, mind and soul. The body section is where we are having our difficulties. S and A are good boys– really easy babies. But they are still twin babies after all and the amount of care and attention they need is becoming overwhelming. On a good night, the boys go to bed around 11 then wake around 3:30 and again around 6:30ish. Seems manageable and yet each feeding takes at least 30 minutes followed by a diaper change and time sitting up to diminish reflux. So a perfect middle of the night feeding requires at least an hour. You can imagine how often a perfect feeding happens (like once a week). So sleep is a scarce and valuable commodity in our house. And sleep deprivation does not bring out the kindest, most patient parts of my personality (poor Joey). There are simply NO breaks with twins. My sister came to help out for a few days and her comment was that she felt that she was feeding someone nonstop. All these feedings, lack of sleep, cuddle times, stimulation, laundry and oh yeah our jobs, don’t leave much time for life’s luxuries like bathing and healthy meals. I am not exactly losing my mind but I would pay good money for uninterupted sleep… Oh and a clean house.

Now add in that our pediatrician found a hernia on Aiden’s groin which will require surgery on the 21st… And “tired” just cannot explain how we are feeling around here. Last year I decorated and had a 12 foot tree for Christmas: this year I bought a table top fake tree which I haven’t even decorated!!

Twins: so.much.work
Worth it: absolutely

I think I just want to document how these first 2 months have gone through an accuate lens since Joey and I have been talking long and hard about what to do with our 3 frozen embryos. I honestly don’t know if I could take newborn twins a second time….. But maybe a singleton?

And now the reward for reading my long whiney post. Picture!

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Picture pages

Because what else would I be doing besides blog updating at 4:30 AM? 😉

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Old habits die hard

So today is Saturday: formerly known as the day Joey and I sleep in and cuddle. After a night of several baby wake-ups, I was really hoping the boys would quickly go back to sleep to let the moms sleep in to the slothful hour of 9AM. Of course they did not oblige but had us up for the day at 8. My thought: “we are not the people we used to be.”

Cue new daily routine of pumping, diapering, cuddle time, etc. And THEN came the moment that reminds me that Joey and I will in fact retain our old selves.

I went to the bathroom and found bountiful cervical mucus (sorry TMI). My first thought was about getting “trying.” I walk into the living room and say to Joey, “Man I wish we had some sperm…. Yadda yadda CM.”

Joey responds, “well we could call (former attempted baby daddy- now divorced).”

I say, “you think?”

She: “Wait, do we really want another baby right now?!”

Me, now laughing: “uh, no. I forgot we don’t have to try anymore.”

We kiss and Joey buries her face in my neck. She says, “you smell like maple syrup.”*

Fenugreek for breast milk= syrup smell from every pore.

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November 27, 2010 · 1:24 pm

For the record

It has been one of THOSE days.

Joey left the house (to work and do errands) over 12 hours ago. My boss called to fuss me out this morning (on a day off). Both babies want to be held at all times and want to eat about every 2 hours. They cry for what appears to be no good reason. I cannot get any housework done. Every piece of clothing I put on my body gets summarily covered in a body fluid (pee, poo or puke). The boys STILL need a bath and every time I walk near the breast pump, someone starts to cry so the boys have eaten only formula today. Not our finest day. Joey better get home soon. I need a glass of wine.

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Bloggy guilt

I want to blog. I do!!! I want to share all these early first happy moments with this community who have cheered me through the dark days. I want to jot down baby thoughts so that they are not lost…. And yet, I can’t seem to make the blogging happen. I have been loving the November daily blog posts from everyone though so I am going to attempt to jump in and try to reciprocate (though unlikely daily).

These early baby days have been wonderful. Our boys are generally good-natured about most things. They smile and make early coo noises as they sit wide-eyed and examine this world. Light playing across the wall seems to hold endless fascination for them. And our boys hold joey and I in rapt attention. We marvel in every grin, coo and even cry. Of course a personal favorite is holding one or both babies against my chest and watching them sleep. LOVE!

Not all times are hall.mark quality though. There have been disagreements about who should visit and when and about parenting minutiae. Also sometimes the boys get on the exact same feeding schedule which results in crying and a frantic mom (when alone). Other times, the boys are so not on the same schedule that one or both mommies end up holding at least one unhappy baby allnight. Then there are tummy aches, reflux and unknown irritants… Hectic.

But in the end, these are good days. And now I will not be more specific to try and save up some topics for later posts.

Seth, lying agains my chest.

We’ve grown so much!

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