I sat at a birthday lunch with all the other administrators in my area today. All are women and all have children. A few women even had to get pregnant using IUIs. They all know that I had a miscarriage and they all know that my second IVF failed. They also know the pattern of my missing work so they know that I am cycling again. Rather than admit how exposed I feel to have them all know, I simply answer their questions in an off-hand manner. My hope is that by pretending the topic does not cause me difficulty will help me actually not feel pain at having them all know my most intimate unmet desire. I wish my boss had not chosen to tell my cohorts about my TTC but she did last year. Now I have few choices in the matter. Alternately, she did call me to warn me before a meeting when a 40 year old coworker was about to disclose that she was pregnant for the 3rd time. My boss wanted me to have warning so that I could put on my “game face.” I appreciated that gesture. But I digress…
Today at lunch, my very pregnant coworker sat directly across the table from me, looking lovely at her 6 months-pregnant mark. I kept doing that thing where you try not to look at something yet cannot seem to help yourself. She is excited about the baby and we chatted about her plans. It hurt and I smiled as I pretended that I was fine.
Another coworker had the audacity to talk about how much she hated being pregnant. She talked about how she literally felt as though her children sucked the life out of her. Again, I sat in my seat, smiling, and losing my appetite.
I was so torn. My guts were ripping out and I wanted my coworkers to shut up! Yet at the same time, I acknowledged to myself that they all had the right to feel what they feel and they could say what they wanted. I could not even get angry because they were not particularly cruel… just in their own worlds.
Tonight I came home to en empty house and I am missing my love. She is far away at a conference and will not be home until Sunday night. Tonight I wish she were here to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I would like for her to say that despite the people around us who cannot grasp the vastness of their blessings, we will be blessed also and that we will cherish each one. Someone one said that the essence of faith is belief in things unseen. Now I need to believe in something I have not yet seen, that my body can and will fulfill my desire for a child. So tonight I am grasping for a bit more faith to fill this empty place.