Mixed emotions

I sat at a birthday lunch with all the other administrators in my area today. All are women and all have children. A few women even had to get pregnant using IUIs. They all know that I had a miscarriage and they all know that my second IVF failed. They also know the pattern of my missing work so they know that I am cycling again. Rather than admit how exposed I feel to have them all know, I simply answer their questions in an off-hand manner. My hope is that by pretending the topic does not cause me difficulty will help me actually not feel pain at having them all know my most intimate unmet desire. I wish my boss had not chosen to tell my cohorts about my TTC but she did last year. Now I have few choices in the matter. Alternately, she did call me to warn me before a meeting when a 40 year old coworker was about to disclose that she was pregnant for the 3rd time. My boss wanted me to have warning so that I could put on my “game face.” I appreciated that gesture. But I digress…

Today at lunch, my very pregnant coworker sat directly across the table from me, looking lovely at her 6 months-pregnant mark. I kept doing that thing where you try not to look at something yet cannot seem to help yourself. She is excited about the baby and we chatted about her plans. It hurt and I smiled as I pretended that I was fine.

Another coworker had the audacity to talk about how much she hated being pregnant. She talked about how she literally felt as though her children sucked the life out of her. Again, I sat in my seat, smiling, and losing my appetite.

I was so torn. My guts were ripping out and I wanted my coworkers to shut up! Yet at the same time, I acknowledged to myself that they all had the right to feel what they feel and they could say what they wanted. I could not even get angry because they were not particularly cruel… just in their own worlds.

Tonight I came home to en empty house and I am missing my love. She is far away at a conference and will not be home until Sunday night. Tonight I wish she were here to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. I would like for her to say that despite the people around us who cannot grasp the vastness of their blessings, we will be blessed also and that we will cherish each one. Someone one said that the essence of faith is belief in things unseen. Now I need to believe in something I have not yet seen, that my body can and will fulfill my desire for a child. So tonight I am grasping for a bit more faith to fill this empty place.

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8 Comments

Filed under ivf musings

8 responses to “Mixed emotions

  1. Dagny

    (((((BIG hugs))))))I hope you are not alone too much longer.And how well I get that. I’m sorry. But you are so awesome for how you dealt with it.xoxo

  2. tbean

    You were so brave yesterday at work. That must have sucked. I hope your love is home soon. I so know the ache that you are feeling…and how hard it is to believe in something not yet seen.

  3. timaree

    You handled this situation with so much grace, but it sucks that you have to, and it really sucks that your sweetie isn’t home to make it feel a little better. I’m holding onto all kinds of hope for you.

  4. Danielle

    I wish we could sit on the couch in silence side by side…. just being together, knowing that deep sense of knowing that comes with an intuition that’s been guiding us for so long…. knowing that surely that part of us, the part that few can access, but that we have, hasn’t been lying all this time.It’s gonna work. It’s really gonna work from star to new beginning.You’re a trooper.D

  5. insertmetaphor

    What a horrible situation. I know that feeling all too well – where you know people have every right to say what they’re saying but you just wish they could realize it was tearing you up. I can’t believe your boss told everyone about TTC – did she do that with your permission? If not, that really seems like a violation.I hope you’re not in that empty house much longer. Hugs.

  6. anofferingoflove

    sending you big ((hugs)). situtations like that are impossibly hard. hope your sweetie is home w/you now & you are enjoying some time together before the week starts over.

  7. Next in Line

    I think most other people just can’t relate to the difficult journey we are on. I am working with a pregnant co-worker right now who is so excited. Everyday day I put on my game face. I am happy for them. It is just freaking hard. Hugs for you. Some days are just couch days.

  8. eeney meeney miney mommy

    I am so sorry your love is away when you need her. Mine travels a lot too and it can be so hard. I don’t think anyone who has not experienced this longing and difficulty tring can even understand what you are going through and how hard their pregnancies are for you. I am sorry you had to sit there and be cheery with a pretty little smile even though your heart was breaking. This is sooo hard sometimes.

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