Living NOW

Being a mom to twins makes like FLY past. Seriously, can we have known our boys for almost 2 years? How can that even be true? Being a mom to a singleton must be similar but I can only speak to what I am living. And what am I living? the most wild, fast-paced existence I could imagine. I look back at the person I thought I would be as a mom and I laugh at just how wrong I was.

My plan: be organized, house tidy, life planned, meals in the freezer ready to heat on a hectic evening, style maintained, tended relationship with Joey, parenting from my knowledge as a therapist, etc etc.

My actual life: chaos in a silly jumbled mess, usually happy, often frustrated, always rushed, guilt almost nonstop at the 100 tasks I am not able to tend to this second, generally worried about some developmental milestone I think the boys should be meeting vs worried about a new behavior I see that I obsess about.

I. had. no. idea. how my life would change because we have kids. I adore them. They fill my world and I would never go back. BUT I also remember that I used to be a person who could read a book, watch a movie or leave the house in under 30 minutes. We bought a minivan for pete’s sake! It has been in the bodyshop this week (thanks to an unfortunate meeting between the van door and the side of the garage- yay me!) and I have been missing the darn thing. I have actually said a few times, “If we had the van we could…..” Insert some time-saving thing like not packing a diaper bag because we have enough room to leave a pack of diapers, wipes and spare clothing in the van at all times. We actually make friends now around who is and who is not kid-friendly. I don’t have the emotional energy to worry that the boys will break your precious knicknacks or might lick your collection of state-spoons. I just wanna hang out with people who know that parents having a drink while watching kids play in the sprinkler is a pretty darn perfect evening. Oh and that most get togethers will likely end by 8.

Sometimes, I am doing something like rocking Seth at bedtime (he insists) or getting joyful unexpected hugs from Aiden and my whole world just opens up at all the joy they bring. Other times, I just run at the million miles an hour required to keep life running smoothly (or our version of that anyway). Now I look back and I wish I had been blogging both kinds of moments for the last 2 years. I wish I had shared the days when I thought that I might actually perish from lack of sleep. I also with I had shared all the silly funny things the boys have done. To that point, I will end with a sweet moment.

This weekend we went to a Thom.as the train event locally. The boys loved it. There were train rides, a petting zoo, dancing, a bouncy hut and general merriment. We had fun… of course until the boys got tired and we left the event with both boys screaming.. cest la vie! In any case, as soon as we got home, Seth ran to Barney (our Beagle and Seth’s undisputed best friend), threw his arms around the dog and began saying, “train, donkey, bunny, hop hop, sheep, play….” He was telling Barney all about his day in the most sweet, high-pitched, excited voice you can imagine. It was lovely. I cannot get over how fun it is to watch my guys experience life through their fresh eyes. Also it makes me laugh how much more my kids talk than other almost 2 year olds– it seems they take after their mommies.

Do I still have anything to say?

I haven’t been around these blog-parts with consistency of late– just some lurking– and I find that I miss this community. Then I also wonder if I still have anything to say. I find that I cannot readily connect to my blog anymore and I think the issue may be the name. I named my blog on a day when I felt quite certain that trying to get pregant was in and of itself the whole journey– no baby (or 2) and no ending place. Just frustration. forever.

But life is different now. I am a mom of 22 month old twins (wait technically the father on paper but that is a whole different story for another post) and life is pretty darn good. So I found that my happier self writing in the infertility blog felt a bit disingenuous. Then I noticed that in real life, I talk freely about my miscarriage and being infertile because I hate how invisible people become around those issues. The pain is so real and yet, we don’t own it. We cut ourselves off from one another and support and I don’t want to do that. I have kids though not from my own body and I think that is a story worth telling. So here I am. I am not sure where this writing will end up and I have no well-defined plans. Wanna ride?

Easing back in

I made a post with >100 words this morning then the app crashed. How about some 8 month old pictures instead?

Sometimes

….Mommy is very funny and sometimes she’s just phht.

Favorite moments

The boys just keep getting more fun. They grow and change every day and their mommies marvel at every little thing. At almost 4 months, their connection to us is clear. They listen to us talk, get excited when we sing and dance, regard us seriously as we read and they smile and laugh with us. I think there is nothing sweeter than one of our boys looking directly at us and cheesing a big gummy smile. Yep, this is the reason we walked through ttc hell: moments like these. Some of the sweetest moments each day happen 1) on the changing table (or the changing table of happiness as we have dubbed it) and 2) in the bath tub. They love their little plastic bath thingy but they kept acting like they wanted to swim. So now either Joey or I get into the big bath tub with them and the fun really cranks up. They kick, splash, flap their arms and laugh out loud. We cannot wait to take them to an actual pool- such water babies!

And some of my proudest mommy-moments to date occured last week. Joey was out of town from Thursday to late Saturday evening and I took care of the boys solo! Yes, they got me up every 2 hours during the night (why???) but aside from that, we had smooth sailing.

And personalities, our sons have ’em! Seth is sweet and mellow. He smiles almost all the time. We often call him Sunshine, because he just is. Seth is happy to play with us, coo at the pooh above his bed or laugh at the ceiling fan. He is naturally cheerful and patient. His flip side is that he has a temper. When something annoys him (though rare), he lets out an ear-piercing screech that has us dubbing him, Pterydactil. Funny boy! Aiden is stormier. He is a cuddle bug. He loves to be with his mommies and he is interested in everything. I think when he can move himself about, he will be ecstatic. And yet, he is emotional. He cries, alot. Loud noises upset him, his carseat is too constraining, and he will not be forgotten. He has learned that a loud coo will get attention most of the time and he is using his power like a precious grinning dictator. Oh, the things he’ll get into some day!

More picture pages

Sorry for the poor quality. These are all iPhone pics since I cannot find the battery charger for my real camera. Cest la vie!

A love letter

Dear one,

I have wanted to put into words my growing love for you for several months now. The very thought of you warms my heart and sends tingles to the core of me. Your strong musky scent pulls me from my bed every morning and sends me seeking you out many times throughout the day. Early in the morning, at noon and even late into the night; I long for your arousing presence. We have known one another for many years but not with the intimacy which has now grown between us. Every day, I grow to love you more. Nay, my addiction for you grows. Words can hardly express how I feel for you.

So Coffee, be you cheap gas station fare, high grade premium roast or reheated home brew, please never leave my side. You are the light which breaks in yon window. You are my sun. You….. Are my lovely caffiene fix.

Yours truly,

Cindy

ch-ch-ch-changes

As you may recall from my last real post, life took a turn for the chaotic. I was feeling very overwhelmed with the enormity of raising our little beings and all the constant tasks involved with said raising. To quote from The Birdcage: “I (felt)l like I’m riding a psychotic horse through a burning stable.”  I got to a place where I really needed some peace. Joey and I had a long talk about what we could do to make life more streamlined and manageable. We made tough decisions and now I am seeing life in more grey tones rather than black and white. No, my house is still not tidy and no, we still cannot muster the energy for sex. But hey, life is better now.

What happened:

1)      Perspective: Aiden had his surgery which was a smashing success. He was such a trooper! We were housed on the mylo-suppression floor of the children’s hospital (read: cancer floor) so it was hard to feel too sorry for ourselves. A mom cannot feel too bad walking to see her healthy baby when she is met by the bright shining smile of a little girl with no hair bowling in the hallway. Yes, I said a prayer of thanks. My gratitude at having healthy babies cannot be measured.

2)      Letting go: So we aren’t breastfeeding anymore. I know, I know. Breast is best and we are terrible awful mothers. But we had to make a decision that allowed us to have some rest as we care for our boys. Here was our routine: feed boys with bottle (as they never latched), hold boys up for reflux, change boys, perhaps a bathroom or drink break for the mom, put baby into swing or carrier and begin to pump. Immediately upon hearing the pumps start, our boys would cry. So we sat and pumped next to whatever we had the babies sitting/laying in. then we pumped and soothed as best we could. This is not a helpful way to get your milk to let down! Repeat pattern in 2-3 hour shifts. Not to mention that it was really hard for me to take enough and long enough breaks during my workday to pump. Also Joey would only get about 3 oz per pumping; whereas I would get 2 oz followed by half an ounce. The constant failure was untenable. Please do not send hate mail or leave nasty comments about this. Our children are on formula and they are thriving.

3)      Standing up: Our pediatrician was not responsive about the reflux our boys were experiencing. We talked about it every visit and she was taking a “wait and see” approach. After a night of pain-filled screaming from Aiden, I called the office to *ahem” “request” medicine. The nurse offered me an appointment. I said I had no need to pay yet another co-pay to discuss the same issue I have talked with the doctor about every visit (pretty much 1 weekly). Through clenched teeth, I again asserted that I …..just…needed… a….prescription…..called in TODAY. I think I frightened the nice lady because we did get a prescription for zantac that day. It helped….a little. Then when we had Aiden’s follow up appointment after surgery, we ended up with a different doctor who was actually helpful about the reflux. She gave us better meds and some actual helpful suggestions. Blessed relief!! Now my poor baby is not spitting up half of what he eats and screaming with his whole body stiff from pain. A mom cannot watch that happen and keep sane.

4)      Help: We have finally hired a nanny who will come to our home 3 days per week to take care of the boys so that Joey and I can work. I will work from home on Mondays and Joey will work from home on Fridays. We are beyond excited. Our nanny is experienced and oh so kind. Of course paying her will hurt—shudder. But she is worth every penny. You have no idea how many crazy people are out there wanting to keep children: people I would never let be responsible for my pets! Some favorites: the woman who talked about getting laid off from her job for most of the interview so now she is “trying childcare.” When asked her about how she felt about letting babies cry, her answer was something to the effect of—- “it’s good for them.” My other bad favorite lives by the town dump and offered to keep the boys in her home with her own child too……. For $35 per week total!  Now I am all about a good deal but this bargain basement pricing frightened me. Seriously, $11.67 per day? 5.83 per child per day?

5)      Success: We are expert cloth diaper-ers. We love it and it saves us so much money. The boys are quite happy in their CDs and they are vocal about needing a change. We have tried several kinds. We have favorites. I plan a longer post on this later.

6)      Medication: We are both on our “happy pills” again. I hate that I need them but I do. I am better and nicer on meds.

7)      Reveling: We came to the conclusion that these are precious days we will likely never repeat with other children. We made a decision to enjoy every moment. Our boys are lovely little humans. They are already 12 weeks old! Seth smiles almost all the time. He is rarely fussy. He will tolerate being held by numerous family members. He is happy being left in a swing. He loves to make eye-contact with his mamas and he busts out with what is nearing a laugh. He has gorgeous blue eyes that are sure to break hearts some day. Aiden is living up to the meaning of his name: little fire. He refuses to be put down most of the time. He cries most evenings for what appears to be no good reason. He is easily over-stimulated and he loves his Mamas! He snuggles so close and listens intently to singing and talking. He smiles the best little smiles and he adores bath time.

Truly, being a twin mom is not for the faint of heart. But oh, the lessons we are learning.

Ornament swap

Thank you to the ladies of “The Belly” for getting all crafty with these cutie hat ornaments!! They are so cute and they inspired me to add a few other ornaments to my tree… I feel like a mini Martha Stewart today. I might even cook dinner!

Light in this tunnel

Or “My life without sleep”

I want to start by saying that we are still so very in love with our boys; heart, mind and soul. The body section is where we are having our difficulties. S and A are good boys– really easy babies. But they are still twin babies after all and the amount of care and attention they need is becoming overwhelming. On a good night, the boys go to bed around 11 then wake around 3:30 and again around 6:30ish. Seems manageable and yet each feeding takes at least 30 minutes followed by a diaper change and time sitting up to diminish reflux. So a perfect middle of the night feeding requires at least an hour. You can imagine how often a perfect feeding happens (like once a week). So sleep is a scarce and valuable commodity in our house. And sleep deprivation does not bring out the kindest, most patient parts of my personality (poor Joey). There are simply NO breaks with twins. My sister came to help out for a few days and her comment was that she felt that she was feeding someone nonstop. All these feedings, lack of sleep, cuddle times, stimulation, laundry and oh yeah our jobs, don’t leave much time for life’s luxuries like bathing and healthy meals. I am not exactly losing my mind but I would pay good money for uninterupted sleep… Oh and a clean house.

Now add in that our pediatrician found a hernia on Aiden’s groin which will require surgery on the 21st… And “tired” just cannot explain how we are feeling around here. Last year I decorated and had a 12 foot tree for Christmas: this year I bought a table top fake tree which I haven’t even decorated!!

Twins: so.much.work
Worth it: absolutely

I think I just want to document how these first 2 months have gone through an accuate lens since Joey and I have been talking long and hard about what to do with our 3 frozen embryos. I honestly don’t know if I could take newborn twins a second time….. But maybe a singleton?

And now the reward for reading my long whiney post. Picture!