Living NOW

Being a mom to twins makes like FLY past. Seriously, can we have known our boys for almost 2 years? How can that even be true? Being a mom to a singleton must be similar but I can only speak to what I am living. And what am I living? the most wild, fast-paced existence I could imagine. I look back at the person I thought I would be as a mom and I laugh at just how wrong I was.

My plan: be organized, house tidy, life planned, meals in the freezer ready to heat on a hectic evening, style maintained, tended relationship with Joey, parenting from my knowledge as a therapist, etc etc.

My actual life: chaos in a silly jumbled mess, usually happy, often frustrated, always rushed, guilt almost nonstop at the 100 tasks I am not able to tend to this second, generally worried about some developmental milestone I think the boys should be meeting vs worried about a new behavior I see that I obsess about.

I. had. no. idea. how my life would change because we have kids. I adore them. They fill my world and I would never go back. BUT I also remember that I used to be a person who could read a book, watch a movie or leave the house in under 30 minutes. We bought a minivan for pete’s sake! It has been in the bodyshop this week (thanks to an unfortunate meeting between the van door and the side of the garage- yay me!) and I have been missing the darn thing. I have actually said a few times, “If we had the van we could…..” Insert some time-saving thing like not packing a diaper bag because we have enough room to leave a pack of diapers, wipes and spare clothing in the van at all times. We actually make friends now around who is and who is not kid-friendly. I don’t have the emotional energy to worry that the boys will break your precious knicknacks or might lick your collection of state-spoons. I just wanna hang out with people who know that parents having a drink while watching kids play in the sprinkler is a pretty darn perfect evening. Oh and that most get togethers will likely end by 8.

Sometimes, I am doing something like rocking Seth at bedtime (he insists) or getting joyful unexpected hugs from Aiden and my whole world just opens up at all the joy they bring. Other times, I just run at the million miles an hour required to keep life running smoothly (or our version of that anyway). Now I look back and I wish I had been blogging both kinds of moments for the last 2 years. I wish I had shared the days when I thought that I might actually perish from lack of sleep. I also with I had shared all the silly funny things the boys have done. To that point, I will end with a sweet moment.

This weekend we went to a Thom.as the train event locally. The boys loved it. There were train rides, a petting zoo, dancing, a bouncy hut and general merriment. We had fun… of course until the boys got tired and we left the event with both boys screaming.. cest la vie! In any case, as soon as we got home, Seth ran to Barney (our Beagle and Seth’s undisputed best friend), threw his arms around the dog and began saying, “train, donkey, bunny, hop hop, sheep, play….” He was telling Barney all about his day in the most sweet, high-pitched, excited voice you can imagine. It was lovely. I cannot get over how fun it is to watch my guys experience life through their fresh eyes. Also it makes me laugh how much more my kids talk than other almost 2 year olds– it seems they take after their mommies.

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Do I still have anything to say?

I haven’t been around these blog-parts with consistency of late– just some lurking– and I find that I miss this community. Then I also wonder if I still have anything to say. I find that I cannot readily connect to my blog anymore and I think the issue may be the name. I named my blog on a day when I felt quite certain that trying to get pregant was in and of itself the whole journey– no baby (or 2) and no ending place. Just frustration. forever.

But life is different now. I am a mom of 22 month old twins (wait technically the father on paper but that is a whole different story for another post) and life is pretty darn good. So I found that my happier self writing in the infertility blog felt a bit disingenuous. Then I noticed that in real life, I talk freely about my miscarriage and being infertile because I hate how invisible people become around those issues. The pain is so real and yet, we don’t own it. We cut ourselves off from one another and support and I don’t want to do that. I have kids though not from my own body and I think that is a story worth telling. So here I am. I am not sure where this writing will end up and I have no well-defined plans. Wanna ride?

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Easing back in

I made a post with >100 words this morning then the app crashed. How about some 8 month old pictures instead?

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Sometimes

….Mommy is very funny and sometimes she’s just phht.

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Favorite moments

The boys just keep getting more fun. They grow and change every day and their mommies marvel at every little thing. At almost 4 months, their connection to us is clear. They listen to us talk, get excited when we sing and dance, regard us seriously as we read and they smile and laugh with us. I think there is nothing sweeter than one of our boys looking directly at us and cheesing a big gummy smile. Yep, this is the reason we walked through ttc hell: moments like these. Some of the sweetest moments each day happen 1) on the changing table (or the changing table of happiness as we have dubbed it) and 2) in the bath tub. They love their little plastic bath thingy but they kept acting like they wanted to swim. So now either Joey or I get into the big bath tub with them and the fun really cranks up. They kick, splash, flap their arms and laugh out loud. We cannot wait to take them to an actual pool- such water babies!

And some of my proudest mommy-moments to date occured last week. Joey was out of town from Thursday to late Saturday evening and I took care of the boys solo! Yes, they got me up every 2 hours during the night (why???) but aside from that, we had smooth sailing.

And personalities, our sons have ‘em! Seth is sweet and mellow. He smiles almost all the time. We often call him Sunshine, because he just is. Seth is happy to play with us, coo at the pooh above his bed or laugh at the ceiling fan. He is naturally cheerful and patient. His flip side is that he has a temper. When something annoys him (though rare), he lets out an ear-piercing screech that has us dubbing him, Pterydactil. Funny boy! Aiden is stormier. He is a cuddle bug. He loves to be with his mommies and he is interested in everything. I think when he can move himself about, he will be ecstatic. And yet, he is emotional. He cries, alot. Loud noises upset him, his carseat is too constraining, and he will not be forgotten. He has learned that a loud coo will get attention most of the time and he is using his power like a precious grinning dictator. Oh, the things he’ll get into some day!

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More picture pages

Sorry for the poor quality. These are all iPhone pics since I cannot find the battery charger for my real camera. Cest la vie!

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A love letter

Dear one,

I have wanted to put into words my growing love for you for several months now. The very thought of you warms my heart and sends tingles to the core of me. Your strong musky scent pulls me from my bed every morning and sends me seeking you out many times throughout the day. Early in the morning, at noon and even late into the night; I long for your arousing presence. We have known one another for many years but not with the intimacy which has now grown between us. Every day, I grow to love you more. Nay, my addiction for you grows. Words can hardly express how I feel for you.

So Coffee, be you cheap gas station fare, high grade premium roast or reheated home brew, please never leave my side. You are the light which breaks in yon window. You are my sun. You….. Are my lovely caffiene fix.

Yours truly,

Cindy

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